One Precursor to Departure; There Will Be Many

I'm such a jumbled ugly mess of emotion,
I don't even know where to start.
Let me put it to you this way:
I'm listening to Christmas music.
I am so not in the mood for anything fast,
Or upbeat, lively, or rockin.
But anything else threatens to send me into tears.


I guess you could say I'm not like other guys.


I'm excited to be leaving;
At least I don't want to be here anymore.
Don't get my wrong, my friends,
I love each and every one of you,
The thought of leaving you behind
Is like a thousand knives;
Or, as I've been told,
They can't cause that much pain.
No, it's just that I'm ready for a change,
I'm ready to be in a new setting,
Surrounded by new things that I'm not used to yet.

But how can I live without my home?
Is home where the heart is?
Because right now, that is neither here, nor there,
And I'd say nor anywhere but I know where it is,
I think,
Even though it could be misplaced;
Yet I suspect it isn't.

And how can I survive without everything that I know?
I'll learn new things, new people, new places,
But I'll still want to walk off the stage one last time,
And sit in the third row on the audience left,
Right on the end.

The song says "Who I am
Hates who I've been."
I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today,
Because I knew you.
And I don't know who I am,
And so I can't know if I really do
Hate who I've been.
But I suspect that who I am -
Though it's not what I thought it would be -
Is who I want to be.

It's a long and difficult road that I've traveled,
And I'm willing to bet that
If I knew everything that happened in advance,
I wouldn't change too much.
But this road has taught me many things,
Including pain and suffering -
Though of course there's ecstasy as well -
Laughter, tears, hugs and puzzles,
And most importantly love.
Now I have to learn hope, and patience,
Waiting and dreaming,
Wanting something for myself,
I've never done that before.

You all have rocked my world,
You all have been my life;
You all have made it hard, or easy,
Or just caused lots of strife.
But I can say to all of you,
And look you in the eye,
That without you I'd be nothing,
And so much more a guy (that's bad, for me).

But to you I just must say,
B I K Y, I H B C

For Good.

some words of the Father's breaking heart

I Miss My Time With You
by Larnelle Harris

"there he was just waiting,
in our old familiar place
an empty spot beside him,
where once i used to wait
to be filled with strength and wisdom
for the battles of the day
i would have passed him by again
if i didn't hear him say

(chorus)

i miss my time with you
those moments together
i need to be with you each day
and it hurt's me when you say
you're too busy
busy trying to serve me
but how can you serve me
when your spirit's empty
there's a longing in my heart
wanting more than just a part of you
it's true
i miss my time with you


what do i have to offer
how can i truly care
my efforts have no meaning
when your presence isn,t there
but you will provide the power
if i take time to pray
i'll stay right here beside him
and you will never have to say..

(chorus)"

Savior's Broken Heart
~Foolish Things

Have you heard of a man
Walked the face of the earth
To complete a plan.
Made the blind man to see
And the earth fall to hush
As He walked on the sea.

Did you know
He would die
For your broken heart?

Can you see in his eyes
As he captures the pain
Of a million cries?
Can you hear his voice,
Saying I love you?
Saying I love you?

And we all know, down inside,
The truth of His love,
But we still try to hide.
We all know we become
But we reject all we are,
And all we are from.

Can you feel his love,
Stretching his arms out?

Can you see in His eye
As he captures the pain
Of a million cries?
Can you hear his voice,
Saying I love you
Saying I love you?

Can you turn your heart away
As he weeps?
Can you say "I can't take the gift
that You hold where You stand"?

Give the truth a chance,
The chance you need to take?

Can you break His heart?

My Brother; My Captain; My King

"I would have followed you to the end. My brother; my captain; my king."

Where is that kind of loyalty and devotion today? Where is the passion that inspires a man to proclaim eternal sacrifice of his own hopes and wishes to another man? Whatever happened to "Give me liberty or give me death" and doing all for God and country?

I look around at today's culture and I wish that it was more like Lord of the Rings (which I shamefully stole that quote from). Boromir was a great man in his own right. He was a mighty warrior, strong and capable of holding more than his own; just think of the time it took him to die! Was such a fate given to him, he would have ruled Gondor well, strong and sure. He would have followed well the example of his fathers, keeping the forces of Mordor at bay (at least as long as Sauron wasn't regaining power). The people would have followed him as a king, though such a title was never to be his.

But fate didn't give him that chance. The kingdom of Gondor was bound to follow another. Though they knew him not, they would not despise him but embrace him.

Boromir knew this. And he knew that by rights was the throne of Gondor destined for another. He tried to deny it at first, for "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." But as time passed a change happened in Boromir. Despite his failings where the one ring was concerned, when it came to the future of his country his heart was in the right place.

That place lied with his king. And though it meant far less glory for himself, he was willing to follow that king to whatever end. Even to the end. Even to his death, though surely in the face of the impending doom on mankind that death would not be a kind one.

So I ask again: Where is that kind of loyalty and devotion today? Why are we so complacent and so content with so little? Why don't we strive after the kind of epic life that comes when you devote your life to something greater than yourself, when you devote your life to a king?

I understand that America has no king. But for decades we have been letting those stewards of power slowly and surely take it away from us and hoard it to themselves. That's the reason that our country has sunk into the depths that allow millions of unborn children to die; the same depths that are on the brink of allowing the detestable (and disgusting) practice of same-sex marriage to become legal, even accepted.
What can we do practically about this, on the national scale? I sure don't know.

But what can we do in our own lives to make sure that we don't sink into those depths, or even the shallows that lead to those depths?

We can devote ourselves to someone greater than ourselves. To a king. We can run after the heart of God and never stop running. It's when we stop running and look around us at what's out there that we stumble and fall, and where are we then? We have become the world around us, not the salt and light of the earth. That's no way for a person to live. Why do we accept that mediocrity? There is so much in store for us - both on this earth and after we leave it - that we can only gain by rejecting that complacency and chasing after God's plan for our lives.

For my part, I don't ever want to stop running. I want to see the plan God has for my life. I want the fulfillment of all my desires to be found in Him and in His ways. I want the God-shaped hole in me to be filled. I want the difficult life that is so often left untried.

"Have we believed the fiction
Authored by the world's depiction?
Let's not forget the story,
We're living for His glory now."

~Foolish Things

Mano e mono

Nope. You sure didn't read that post title wrong. It's all about a man and his mono.

And let me tell you, it sure does suck. You don't have any energy to begin with. And, if by chance your sleep and diet all line up super well and you do gain a tiny little ounce of energy to do something with, you can't use it. You are allowed no 'contact' activity. You are allowed no strenuous activity. And you are allowed to do no heavy lifting.

What 'contact' activity means is that you can't do anything that could cause anyone to run into you. So for me, no soccer... Which is about the worst thing ever. Why is it such a worry that someone will run into you? Because, if they hit you hard enough you are at risk of rupturing your spleen. For some reason, this is thought to be bad...

Basically what the rest of it means is you can do nothing that requires you to breathe. And if you think I'm joking... If I forget and run up the stairs too quickly, I get short-of-breath and tired and feel generally like crap. Well, generally I feel like crap anyways, so that's not saying a lot.

If you want further proof of how this is totally debilitating to me, think about this. I generally go to bed at 11 now. This in itself should have prompted you to fall backwards out of your house. Not just your chair, your house. But, if for some reason it didn't, here's the rest of the great news. After going to sleep early, I don't get out of bed until about 11. Or 12. Then, I proceed to get online or just lay around my house for a while.

At the end of this 'while', I try to go to bed again. At least I like to. This while usually ends about 3, but has been known to last until 4. My nap usually takes me until 6, when I get up for dinner.
And what do I do while I'm eating, and until I work up the strength to return to my computer? I watch tv. So if you weren't already in a catatonic shock, you should be now. Lots and lots of sleep, and I'm watching tv. Something is horribly wrong.

So, if none of you respond to this post because you are sure that someone has taken me over and I'm no longer really Shane, I'll understand. In the future, I will really be me and you can feel free to treat this blog as you normally would. Hopefully, by the 10th (my date to go back in to see the doctor) I will be back to my normal self.

I really, really really hope that.

Really.