What Do I Have Left That Is Not Wrong?

This morning I sat
And consumed my Life,
Slowly.
Usually I go fast enough
That things don't get soggy,
But not today.

Consuming my Life,
Pondering milk-absorbed thoughts,
I wonder if there is a fluid
for my heart to drown in.
Slowly filling,
Watering it down,
Until it can not absorb any more,
Or is barely recognizable.

Do my smile and small laugh
Ring false
As I take my iPod headphones out
Of my ears, to better hear
You, listen to what
You have to say?

Your look as you pass by,
The one that
You think I didn't notice
Answers
My question.

Remember hope?
Be filled with joy?

Oh, I would
Love
That, if only
I knew how.
I did once, and either
I've been
Killed,
Or I've killed myself.
Both suck.

I drain the milk from
The bowl, and move
On to tea.
It still heats my hands,
Or the spot where it
Rests
Against my leg,
Even as I sit here and type.

Am I right now just
Cutting
Myself off again?