An Apology
For those of you who haven't noticed, I hate my cell phone. No really, I hate it. And I know that you all said that I wouldn't, and you didn't believe me when I said I wouldn't use it, and I know that for a while when it was new and everything I did use it quite a bit - or maybe that was still a byproduct of being at home. But now I'm here at school, and I just don't use it at all.
By I don't use it, I should preface that by saying that I don't hardly call anyone. I tend to have it with me non-stop, whether to use it as a watch or just because I've grown far to attached to having it on my person. But even though I have it, it's on silent, so if you call me it's highly unlikely that I'll answer. And even though I'll still listen to my voice mails and be touched, it's even more unlikely than me seeing you call that I'll call back.
A number of people have been mad at me because I don't keep in touch with them - or they think that I keep in touch with other people more than I do with them. It's really hard for me to explain to them that the people I keep in touch with the most are the people that call me the most - I'm wicked bad at going out of my way to stay in touch.
And I don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I'm perfectly OK with that because I have a life here and I have friends here and I'm the same way now with it that I always thought I would be: yes, I have a cell phone, but I'd rather talk with people in person. So I'm not going to sacrifice that time or that chance to connect with real, solid people to spend time on my phone.
It is also related to how much time I spent on my phone the first few weeks of school and how much crap I took for it and how people were always telling me that I was missing out on so much by not engaging the things and opportunites around me (which is one of the reasons I came here in the first place...).
But on the other hand, I am still missing out. I'm missing out on some of the deepest relationships that I have in my life, some of the best that I've ever had and some that I can't hope to replace. I'm missing out on spending what time I can with the people that love me more than anyone else, and the people that really make me feel loved - something that I have always really struggled with.
Yet it's hard for me to use that argument with myself because I still have the thought and the knowledge that even though I myself am an absolutely horrible friend because I don't keep in touch with people, the people that mean the most to me at home will still love me in spite of that. I'll be able to go back after 6 months at school and still have so much connection with them and still be able to act like there was really no separation at all.
But today I was reading The Screwtape Letters and I was hit in the face with a metaphorical brick, which hurt especially in the face of the issues that I've been dealing with and how much I've been dealing with my own rampant selfishness! these last few weeks. I don't know how much it will sink in, and I certainly can't promise that I'll change all that much because I'm not perfect and I still don't know how what I read will apply and actually work out in my life... But this is some selections of what I read.
"Now, you will have noticed that nothing throws him into a passion so easily as to find a tract of time which he reckoned on having at his own disposal unexpectedly taken from him." ... "They anger him because he regards his time as his own and feels that it is being stolen."
"This assumption which you want him to go on making is so absurd that, if once it is questioned, even we cannot find a shred of argument in its defence."
Oh boy. I guess this relates to my last post and about how self-centered I am, and how one commenter said that the failure comes in that I haven't really allowed my thinking to be reformed. I mean, I have the data, just as he said, but I haven't really let that sink into my heart so that I am living that out.
So to all of you out there to whom this applies, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been such a lousy friend, such a lousy communicator. I'm sorry that I don't keep in touch. I'm sorry that I'm so focused on myself and how I want to use my time that I don't give anything to you. I hope to start to regress into a progress where I can fix that. I hope that you'll be patient with me as I try.
p.s.
If I were to bold all the first-person pronouns in this post, it would be severely depressing. Although, this is sort of so that you all can somewhat keep up on me... I wonder what ways a blog can only add to self-centeredness?
By I don't use it, I should preface that by saying that I don't hardly call anyone. I tend to have it with me non-stop, whether to use it as a watch or just because I've grown far to attached to having it on my person. But even though I have it, it's on silent, so if you call me it's highly unlikely that I'll answer. And even though I'll still listen to my voice mails and be touched, it's even more unlikely than me seeing you call that I'll call back.
A number of people have been mad at me because I don't keep in touch with them - or they think that I keep in touch with other people more than I do with them. It's really hard for me to explain to them that the people I keep in touch with the most are the people that call me the most - I'm wicked bad at going out of my way to stay in touch.
And I don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I'm perfectly OK with that because I have a life here and I have friends here and I'm the same way now with it that I always thought I would be: yes, I have a cell phone, but I'd rather talk with people in person. So I'm not going to sacrifice that time or that chance to connect with real, solid people to spend time on my phone.
It is also related to how much time I spent on my phone the first few weeks of school and how much crap I took for it and how people were always telling me that I was missing out on so much by not engaging the things and opportunites around me (which is one of the reasons I came here in the first place...).
But on the other hand, I am still missing out. I'm missing out on some of the deepest relationships that I have in my life, some of the best that I've ever had and some that I can't hope to replace. I'm missing out on spending what time I can with the people that love me more than anyone else, and the people that really make me feel loved - something that I have always really struggled with.
Yet it's hard for me to use that argument with myself because I still have the thought and the knowledge that even though I myself am an absolutely horrible friend because I don't keep in touch with people, the people that mean the most to me at home will still love me in spite of that. I'll be able to go back after 6 months at school and still have so much connection with them and still be able to act like there was really no separation at all.
But today I was reading The Screwtape Letters and I was hit in the face with a metaphorical brick, which hurt especially in the face of the issues that I've been dealing with and how much I've been dealing with my own rampant selfishness! these last few weeks. I don't know how much it will sink in, and I certainly can't promise that I'll change all that much because I'm not perfect and I still don't know how what I read will apply and actually work out in my life... But this is some selections of what I read.
"Now, you will have noticed that nothing throws him into a passion so easily as to find a tract of time which he reckoned on having at his own disposal unexpectedly taken from him." ... "They anger him because he regards his time as his own and feels that it is being stolen."
"This assumption which you want him to go on making is so absurd that, if once it is questioned, even we cannot find a shred of argument in its defence."
Oh boy. I guess this relates to my last post and about how self-centered I am, and how one commenter said that the failure comes in that I haven't really allowed my thinking to be reformed. I mean, I have the data, just as he said, but I haven't really let that sink into my heart so that I am living that out.
So to all of you out there to whom this applies, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been such a lousy friend, such a lousy communicator. I'm sorry that I don't keep in touch. I'm sorry that I'm so focused on myself and how I want to use my time that I don't give anything to you. I hope to start to regress into a progress where I can fix that. I hope that you'll be patient with me as I try.
p.s.
If I were to bold all the first-person pronouns in this post, it would be severely depressing. Although, this is sort of so that you all can somewhat keep up on me... I wonder what ways a blog can only add to self-centeredness?
posted by Foolish Thing Nine at 4:56 PM
2 Comments:
I forgive you. I can't not forgive you. And you're lucky that I can't not forgive you, because that means I'll probably always love you, and everyone wishes they could always have my love.
You must be doing something right if you are able to express in a post the way you feel about your self. I know that for some people, self expression that could compromise them is not doable. Yes, in some ways I am talking about my self.
I have let fear of rejection and pride to keep me from telling some of my closest friends how I really feel about them. And, Shane, I am just as bad about that as you seem to be about your feeling of selfishness. My heart goes out to you in this and I will be praying about it for you.
I want you to know that I understand the feeling of guilt and I don't feel like I comunicate very well with people that are not readily available to me. I am horrible about calling people back and yet, I get upset when they dont return my calls. There are times when it is perfectly alright to keep your life (phone) on silent but then there are times when you should let it ring.
I would appriciate your thouhgts and imput into some of the things I said in this but I will understand if you choose not to.
TTYL
Shelle
Post a Comment
<< Home