"Forgive Me"

Inspired by a Foolish Things song (in blue)...

I seem to be cursed,
To be blessed
At everything I put my hand too.

That was my thought at the beginning of the week. Really, I couldn't understand it. I just keep trying to get involved with new things, and I keep getting into them. It seemed to me that God just kept blessing me by allowing me to be involved in them. For a while this was incredibly exciting. But the more I thought about it and interacted with people, I saw that I was only allowing myself to be stretched and overextended in ways that are somehow less than healthy. And I mean that on every level... Spiritually, mentally, relationally, physically, socially, emotionally, I just felt stretched and pulled apart. And there I was, trying to add yet another activity for next year...

Forgive me when religion's been my God,
And all that I do denies you are there...

It was this crazy cycle. See an activity, realize that I have a gift there, see what I need to do to get involved, get involved. It just didn't fail. I kept accruing all these activities, all these demands on my time. I kept seeing my God-given gifts as things that I had to use in some official position that had some definite time limit. Everything just kept buliding up, and my time to stop and realize certain things was quickly being thrown out the window.

But You're there...

Yes, God has given me many gifts. Yes, He has allowed me to be in a place where there are so many avenues for me to use those gifts. And yes, He wants me to use those gifts. But not at the expense of knowing Him...

Did I forget you were listening?

I was filling up His place with activities. That isn't to say that I'm still not - But at least now I am conscious of it. And, as the quickest way to progress, I'm trying to regress.

Could I deceive the one who's given me my heart?

I'm trying to be deliberate in how I spend my time. The people I hang out with, the activities I do. And because I'm starting to see that, not making RA for next year strangely doesn't bother me. Sure, I have questions about why certain people made it and I didn't, or what there was that kept me from making it. But more and more as I think about it I am trying not to ask those questions, and simply accept it. I have had two of my friends who did make it express shock that I didn't, and offer words of comfort and solace, and that has been enough.

And besides - I'm sure that Gabe et al. had their reasons. But above that, what if it is just that God didn't want me to be there? He is finally drawing a line and saying "no, that is not where I want your heart!. That is not what I want you to spend your time doing. You may have a gift in that area, but it is other gifts that you should be using." He's telling me, "You can't fool Me, I created you. You think you know what you want to do, but you don't. Only I know the way to satisfy the longings that your heart is experiencing. And no matter how I have to get you there, it will happen. Push, prod, pull, or pick you up and throw you into it, you'll make it there.
Trust Me, I know..."

But You're there...