The Psych Ward

Gregory of Nyssa watches me sleep in Arius' shadow

2009-10-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

i arise from a little death every morning.
i have been passive, dead to the world,
Living, yet not lifelike.
What death have i died?
What is the same?
What is different?

For, surely, the pain of yesterday
Arises with me not today;
At any rate, the death i died decreased it,
Leaving shadows and vague recollections,
Stuff not being memory.
It should be clearer, not nagging,
And painfully bright -
Or, rather, bright even though painful.

What death have we all to die?
We were all born to die.
To live, and to die - to both.

Can we accept this?
Can we become death?
Can we aspire to death?
Is that what He did,
making Himself nothing,
Desiring not equality with life,
the Source of all life,
Not to be Life;
And yet...

He was.

He, wanting not life, found life.
He, aiming for death,
Found life's target.

But the not life he wanted was life,
And the not life we want is also life,
But life for ourselves, and not for all.
Can we ever be life for all?
i think not.

Thus, we are adopted,
Being for ourselves,
where He is naturally
For ourselves.

kenosis drove Him to not life,
And weariness drives me to a little not life.
i am sad at my limitation, my weariness,
And i don't usually like embracing little deaths,
Though i always do,
Craving not life at the expense of life,
Not driving toward not life for the expense of life,
as He did.

Will the sorrow i feel, when judged,
be why He does not
Consign me to forever not life?

But sorrow comes from failure,
And failure comes in living, or,
Not living
as He did,
As i should have.

Life,
Not life,
Living,
Not living,
Sorrow -
Being born into sorrow,
Sorrow borne out in life -
Living.

we cannot be what He is,
we cannot become what He is,
we have only the adoption of His sonship.
He gives it, to us in our sorrow,
He who knew and knows our griefs -
The ones from when we didn't live, anyway.

Judge me,
Waken me,
Raise me,
Drive me to not life,
empty me to life for You.

I hope for nothing more.

Mosquito

2009-08-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

Ouch! That hurts!
SLAP!
Something's died,
In which the LORD
Of all took pride
And fashioned by His very hands -
Not that you would understand
The role they play-
That made the night
And made the day.
They're not Creation's blight!

What Do I Have Left That Is Not Wrong?

2008-07-13T05:23:00.000-07:00

This morning I sat
And consumed my Life,
Slowly.
Usually I go fast enough
That things don't get soggy,
But not today.

Consuming my Life,
Pondering milk-absorbed thoughts,
I wonder if there is a fluid
for my heart to drown in.
Slowly filling,
Watering it down,
Until it can not absorb any more,
Or is barely recognizable.

Do my smile and small laugh
Ring false
As I take my iPod headphones out
Of my ears, to better hear
You, listen to what
You have to say?

Your look as you pass by,
The one that
You think I didn't notice
Answers
My question.

Remember hope?
Be filled with joy?

Oh, I would
Love
That, if only
I knew how.
I did once, and either
I've been
Killed,
Or I've killed myself.
Both suck.

I drain the milk from
The bowl, and move
On to tea.
It still heats my hands,
Or the spot where it
Rests
Against my leg,
Even as I sit here and type.

Am I right now just
Cutting
Myself off again?

Psalm 12 + Anne Rice

2008-07-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

Your words, LORD, are flawless.
And mine?
Mine are well;
< perfect
You might say.
And, You would be right,
Your words being flawless, and all.

And aw(e)ful.

Why do we not fear You?

And why do I -
We -
Not use Your words to speak?
Greet each other with
Psalms?
Hymns?
Spiritual songs?

That would be a step up,
I suppose.
Do You?

But even then,
Those songs whose lyrics we sing
Think
Speak
Write
Are still

NOT
YOUR
WORDS.

Speak Your words,
And even Your name
Into us,
Onto us,
Through us.

For us.
Pro Nobis

Give us ears to hear.

Give us hearing hearts,
So that our ears might want to listen.

And the lies that are around us?
The words that are not Yours -
The words of society,
Trends, norms, fads, friends, ends
That come now (what?!?) -

Dim them.
You have spoken.

Help us remember.

Contractions

2008-06-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

I have recently decided to use as few contractions as possible. One, because it is simply poor writing to do so. My sister and I were just talking (well, about an hour and a half ago) about how our writing is so much more mature, so much prettier than our talking is. Our vocabulary is larger, our thought patterns are more well developed; it is just better to read our writing than to listen to us spout off about nothing.

Another reason is because of a sentence I wrote during some reflection time earlier tonight. The sentence: Why is it that we do not talk about Jesus relationship to the Wisdom Literature?

While that is a huge topic in itself, and one I plan to spend a lot of time contemplating and exploring this summer (secretly I have wanted to since a peculiar conversation (see end of paragraph) I had in Australia), I found something rather sinister in that sentence. If I were merely to say "Why is it that we don't talk about Jesus..." it could be taken as a suggestion, a somewhat lamentable fact of life, a passing idea that floated through my brain and right out your other ear. But to say that "Why is it that we do not talk about Jesus..." seems to me more sinister a thing. We do not talk about some way we could understand Jesus. That thought strikes me as a problem (unrelated to the problem of the general topic) is just that we do not talk about Jesus! I find myself having a lot of meaningless conversations about alcohol or about girls or about whatever, and they don't contribute anything to me loving the Lord with all my heart or soul, or holding fast to Him.

Anyways, the general topic. After one service at St. Paul's last fall, I was talking with Mat and his brother-in-law about something or other, and made some kind of offhand remark meant as a joke that Ecclesiastes tells us that life is meaningless! And Mat's brother-in-law quickly made the remark "But ONLY before the incarnation!"

Since then I've been rather struck at the relationship between Jesus and the Wisdom Literature. The sum of my rather paltry thinking thus far is that perhaps the Wisdom literature an help us to make a link between the God in the Old Testament that is often preached as an angry God of Judgment and Fire and the God of the New Testament, the Jesus obsessed with love and non-violence and acceptance.

Obviously that generalizes the pictures of God found in the Old and New Testaments, but I feel as though those generalizations are preached and talked about a lot. There really is something to the need to study and think about and write about God, to let him inhabit and renew and even enlighten our minds, so that when we KNOW Him more we can then love Him more, and give more of ourselves to Him.

College Choir Reflections: Contemplation

2008-05-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

I have repeatedly told people this semester that singing with the College Choir is the ultimate experience to be had at Houghton College. It is an experience that has challenged me on so many levels; and it constantly keeps challenging me, calling me deeper not only in my faith, but also in my identity.

Growing up, I was a mile-a-minute kid when it came to everything. I rushed around everywhere. This was partly a reflection of the fact that I had moved 14 times before reaching the age of 14, and partly just the result of being a little child with way too much energy.

This pattern continued into my high school years. Despite learning in my philosophy classes that the good and virtuous life involves a good deal of contemplation, I didn’t slow down at all. I was on the varsity soccer and golf teams, did tech for the school musicals, acted in the spring plays, refereed soccer, played piano for my church worship team (as well as in youth group), sang in a barbershop chorus, sang in my high school choir, sang in my high school madrigals group. I was, as my friend Tineke wrote in her honors project, a little child roaming around (as the devil prowls) seeking for all kinds of new experiences to devour.

This introduction doesn’t have anything to do with the college choir experience, but it is necessary to understand how being a part of the college choir has profoundly affected and changed me.

But one last thing – every summer, I would go to youth camp. It seemed to become the trend over my last few years there for all my walls and defenses to break down. I would once – or maybe twice – completely break down, sobbing uncontrollably as all the stress and the pain and the hurt and the fears that were within me rushed forth, let loose for the first time, loose from the cage of my constant rushing about and total lack of contemplation and rest.

There are two kinds of fun: the kind where you can go out and do something on your own and have an enjoyable in-the-moment experience; and the kind where you can come together with a group of people and work towards creating something so much more than any of you could ever achieve – or experience – on your own. College choir is this second kind of fun. It is not about the fact that I enjoy singing, and certainly not that I think the rehearsal process is fun. It is that we are coming together as a body to do something so much bigger, so much grander – and I might even dare to say so much more holy.

I spoke at choir retreat about the relationship of the tangibles to the intangibles. Having three times joined the choir in the spring, there are so many tangible stresses that get in my way of giving my all to choir. I’m stressed about learning music. This is often aggravated because I get frustrated in rehearsal with people who I think are not taking the process as seriously as they should. But, as Jesus reminds me, I must worry about myself first: and the ‘intangible’ of my own heart and my own attitude in the process.

It is in contemplation of these things that I learn to let go; in the fact that I am only one cog of the wheel. That’s a scary thing to say, think, or admit in today’s individualistic culture, but it’s something that when I stop to think about, I find inexpressibly beautiful. I can give up my own will, my own ambition, my own anger or frustration and lend my whole being to the building of a greater cause. This is what Christ did for us: and I’m thinking specifically of the Christ-hymn in Philippians 2. He made himself as a servant; something I must do when I give my voice and my attitude and my heart to the choir.

Like many people in the choir, I was captivated all semester long by the idea that my singing may become healing. Yet again, it is the second kind of fun that can lead to this. If we were to go on tour never having put in the hours of rehearsal and practice and effort to mesh and meld as an ensemble, our singing will be a show. And it might not even be a good show – it could just be a spectacle of what happens when many people with the ability to sing sit and sing for themselves and their own enjoyment, with no thought given to the audience – or to their own body.

This is why I view tour as the ultimate experience of choir. Yes, I just alluded to the importance of the rehearsals – and without that, I think it would be irresponsible to go on tour. But it is on tour that I have found my own healing, and witnessed the healing of others. But I think that is because it gives us the opportunity to escape from the lifestyle that I portrayed in my introduction.

Tour is a time when the single place that we spend the most time is on the bus. We spend some time in silence, some time singing, and some time laughing and talking and getting to know each other. And much of that time is given not to chasing after another experience to devour – though you could, if not thinking about the second kind of fun but only the first – but to the buildup of something greater. The meaning of the words of the songs that we sing; the meaning of what it is to sing together; the meaning of what it is to form the truly unique body that we make up; the meaning of surrendering ourselves in the name of something better.

The meaning of offering up our humble and feeble and fallen and broken efforts to a holy God who can make something out of them. Who can bring healing and restoration. Who can, even as we sit in silence and meditate on Him, and giving ourselves to Him, bring healing to us, and make us instruments – jars of clay – through which He lets flow His power, His healing, His life.

That life isn’t about just what we can have in the moment, rushing around and only thinking about ourselves. That life is the abundant life, the full life, the restored life, where we are sewn together into the body of Christ, the love of Jesus in the world. And that is impossible unless we take time to consider the greatest gift that God has given the world: ourselves, as gifts to each other. When we slow down and contemplate and realize that, and let Him work through us, we can have a greater kind of fun that can bless us with joy, and bless others with our singing made healing.

At the very least, I think on and pray for that to happen.

Ameen. Ameen. Ameen.

2008-05-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

Why would you do that?
You really don't know?
You really can't see
I don't know if I can -
But there are limits to what you should do.
And to my grace, but you didn't extend those.

Why would I care?
Why was I angry?
That much you saw
That scares me -
But you didn't run away,
And you might have even understood.

Why would you talk about it?
Or tell someone that I know, and would mention it to as well?
That just confuses me -
And I'd made up my mind never to say anything.
Maybe I won't.

I don't know,
For seriously,
I'm upset,
And silence is safe.

When did we get so confused,
To think that it's ok and normal to be hurt,
When scripture clearly says
"Guard your heart"?

I don't believe in no pain,
But I don't like hurting.
I am, I think.
Maybe I'm not, or at least
I shouldn't be,
Maybe,
We'll see.

Really, as I meditated,
The future and the present aren't the same,
And I need to be in the one where I can.
But now,
Sitting at my computer listening to music
Going to bed with the end of the song,
I can think about the future;
Or how the present relates to it.

And I'm scared yet again;
I'm lost and alone
Way outside of
My comfortable zone.

So what?

All Night Vigil

2008-04-21T20:20:00.001-07:00

My prayersgoes out to you tonight,
A prayer for hope, and grace;
I miss your smile, I miss your hugs,
I long to see your face;
The distance come between us
Is really not that far
At least in terms of land and sea -
I know right where you are.

A prayer goes out from me tonight
A prayer of love, and joy
A missed remembrance, tears have shed,
And all about me time is dead,
And all I want is your bright face
Come back to me, come find a place
Where we can write and laugh and talk -
And never ever facebook stalk -
And get our schoolwork done.

A prayer goes out for me tonight
A prayer more desperate still;
A prayer that in this madness I
Will learn to do His will.
I don't know how to listen, or
To sit and just be loved.
But my work and heart and hopes and prayers
Are more now works of love.

Once Dread

2008-04-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

Today,
I woke up
For the first time in years,
Not dreading the day.
Well, I did have a test.
And I did not want to leave the comfort
Of my bed.
Some days must be faced.

But today was wholly
Unremarkable, in its
Arrival. Left in the
Past, times forgotten,
Hating what was to come.
It wasn't always dreadful.
Some days it was really great.

Forgiving is hard. And
Lon, long times pass between
Words

And peace.

I do'nt know about peace,
Or forgiveness.
Some things just must be faced.
But today, I can face you,
Knowing things
Are different.

Yet with a kind
of forgivness,
A kind
of peace,
That at least
Is more than other days.
And growing, hopefully.

I pray for you:
Happiness.
Wholeness.
But first, peace.

Happy,
Whole,
Peaceful,
Birthday

Today's Biblical Theology Lecture in a Sonnet

2008-04-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

The Glory of God is a blinding light,
Jesus allows men to escape darkness.
How can a person claim to be the truth?
God is showing how He invades humans;
Jesus belongs to God, He is from God,
The door and the gate for His Father's Sheep.
Truly, truly is divine sign language.
The vine is the true way to salvation;
Salvation is Jesus' revealing of God;
Jesus is saying saving is God's thing.
They are one; But what kind of unity?
Essential, of essence? Ethics, of acts?
They're the same, as is function; that's unique!
What is the meanin of these mysteries?

Distress

2008-03-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

Wash me in your blood
I'm far from you; I need you
My heart's eyes are blind

Stories, Light, Tapestry

2008-03-24T20:43:00.001-07:00

"Stories are light" whispered Gregory the Jailer.
Stories. Isn't all of life a story? Isn't your life a story? There's a beginning, a middle, and an end. There are characters and emotions and scenes and acts and costume changes and props. And of course it would be horribly wrong to say that because stories are light, that they are all light hearted. The key to good writing - at least to good story writing - is tension, conflict. Rising and Falling Action. Climax Denouement. It's not easy going and smooth sailing and happy-go-lucky all the time.
Something I need to remember far more often than I do. And by remember, I do actually mean live out...
The thing that I'm trying to get at is the rich tapestry that our lives make. So many interconnected threads all affecting each other. It's like a spider's web, but so much better. See, if you think of a spider's web, you're still only thinking about yourself. Because the only point to a spider's web being all linked together is so that pressure can pull on the feeding line and alert you that dinner time is here.
Life isn't about you. Or me.
Life is a tapestry. Everything is interwoven, interconnected - made up of Age Lace, if you will - and so much bigger than any one thread. It's many threads working together to make a picture. And that picture is ultimately not about you. It might be a picture of you - a picture of you and the path, the plan of your life. How it went. Who affected it - or who it affected.
Is your epitaph like your tapestry?
I think of the tapestries in Redwall. Didn't they tell stories? But they were centered around a single character. They told his stories. And that's what our tapestries should do, at the end, they should tell our story. They should show our greatest triumphs, our most loved ones - and maybe even some of our darkest defeats. Because those things make up the story of our lives. Not just the happy moments that others recall in our eulogies. Not just the sad moments that depress us when we're tired. And not just the people that we lose ourselves in. But all of it. The rising and the falling action. The other characters.
But, if the tapestry isn't completed until after our lives are - what's the point?
That's why it should be a tapestry (as opposed to a spider's web). Because a tapestry lives on after we are gone - as will our story. And maybe it will do some good to some other people, some day. That many 'somes' to me suggests that it's not entirely likely. Who has the patience to look at a tapestry and discern the story, to understand the significance of every thread, to appreciate the time and the pain and the love and the joy that went into its creation?
Who, indeed, is CREATING our tapestry?
Do you think its being created for your own good?
Stories are light.
Shouldn't we go into all the world and proclaim that stories matter? That having a great story, full of rising and falling action - joy and pain - many characters, many places, many props, many costume changes - that it matters? That being content to sit where we are and not move on, not experience life to the full, missing out on what we could be experiencing; that all of that is a bad thing? That perhaps boredom is a bad thing? Or at least long and extended life-long periods of boredom. Aren't we supposed to experience more than that? Isn't boredom - long-term - a death of the soul? A death of the person? A loss of life? A loss of thread, a loss of vibrancy, a loss of color, a loss of story?
A loss of light?
Darkness?

Isn't the light supposed to overcome the darkness? Isn't it more powerful? Doesn't it win in the end? Can't a single candle light up a whole room? Can't a single story change a whole world?

I suppose, that's only if the story of your life, the tapestry that you live, is made with the view in mind that it's only the final product that matters. The tapestry as a whole, with a view to the light that it adds, not to self, but to other. To Other.

This life matters. It should be emphasized. It's stories should be rich and vibrant and complex and intricate and painful and joyful and frustrating and wonderful all at the same time. It shouldn't be lived with a view to the end, with a longing for something better, with a desire to just get it over with. But with a dissatisfaction that constantly calls us forward. That keeps us on our toes. That keeps us moving. that runs us into new characters, new plot elements, new scenery, new props, new costumes. And in the end, we will be made glorious. We will have a wondrous story. We will be a wonderful light - and we will be shown the light that we were all along, because we were part of our own story.

Part of a larger story.

Our tapestry was just a single thread in a larger tapestry.

A single particlewave of the true light. That's invisible, for now, because we can't even see our own finished tapestry. Because we don't even know where it's going. But someday we'll be shown.
And the tapestry will continue.

II

2008-03-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

A single cloud.
Curved, and playful.
Can water droplets be
joyful? It seems they are.

And the sun,
You can't see it from
the window,
but it lights up the cloud
and makes it dazzling white.
Your heart smiles,
uncontrollably.

Below, there is
no control, and everything
is grey. The trees are
bare. And the windows have no
lights. You wonder
where is spring?

The sun breaks through!
The sky is blue!

Surreal

2008-03-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

Snowflakes.
Falling, in March.
I suppose that after three
years I shouldn't be surprised.

The beauty, though,
is that of the sky when you look through
them all.

It's a phenomenon I've seen
several times now,
and always very striking.

The way the sun is at the top
of a bank
of clouds
but you can't quite make it out.

And the holes in the clouds
So small,
and surrounded,
You'd swear
that what you saw through
was grey,
But you know it must be blue.

You hurt me tonight, and you never even knew

2007-11-28T04:00:00.000-08:00

Is what I'm feeling fair?
Does what I'm feeling matter?
Can you read it in my eyes?
Or were you never really there?

Because I'm feeling on the outside,
And I'm feeling all alone;
And I know it won't get better
In the days that I am home.

Did you read it in my eyes -
Or did you really even care?
Do you know me like you said you did
Or were you never really there?

'Cause I'm feeling on the outside,
And I'm feeling so alone;
And I know it won't get better
In the days that I am home.

Do you know me, do you love me?
Do you know what that should mean?
Do you notice when I'm hurting,
Or were you never really there?

'Cause I'm feeling on the outside,
And I'm feeling so alone;
And I know it won't get better
In the days that I am home.

All the pain that I am feeling
'Cause I think that you don't care,
Won't be better with the answer -
Were you ever really there?

'Cause I'm feeling on the outside,
And I'm feeling so alone;
And I know it won't get better
In the days that I am home.

Did I do this to myself,
Did I believe my made-up lie?
Did you ever really know me
Or were you ever really there?

'Cause I'm feeling on the outside,
And I'm feeling so alone;
And I know it won't get better
In the days that I am home.

God I hope you have the answers
And can take away the pain
And can make me feel better;
If you're ever really there.

Because in You alone is my love
And my hope of feeling care
And my chance to feel wanted -
Won't you please be really there?

I don't want to feel outside,
I don't want to feel alone,
All I want is to be loved,
All I want is to be Home.

I realized I should write more poetry

2007-10-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to care for people?
Does it mean staying up late and denying yourself sleep?
Does it mean sitting there and being a shoulder to cry on,
And being completely silent?
Does it mean not interacting with them?
Does it mean writing them daily,
Weekly, fornightly, monthly updates on your own life?

What does it mean to have community with people?
Does it mean living with them?
Does it mean loving them?
Does it mean caring for them?
Does it mean surrounding yourself with them?

What does it mean to love people?
Does it mean working for their best interest?
Does it mean deciding their best interest?
Does it mean praying for them and then ignoring them?

Eyes and ears are often spies,
Hands and feet are used to hurt,
Tongues so often spread their lies,
Emotions only used to flirt.

All our bodies, and our soul,
How we love to keep control -
But if we used as God would choose,
Could we make another whole?

Conversational Impatience

2007-05-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

I find it funny how after I posted this once I looked at it and realized that if it were that long on someone else's blog, I probably wouldn't read it. I'm lazy - that's bad.

We had our first Mayterm "chapel" today, and for it we watched the Nooma video on Silence/Noise. I'd seen it before in a floor Bible study, but I think that it definitely applied to my life far more now than it did when I first saw it. There was definitely a change from first semester to this semester where I became far far busier in life and didn't spend nearly the time with myself or with God that I did in the fall.
Yeah, that's a problem.

One of the beautiful parts of this chapel was that instead of a more traditional "lecture" or a "talk" we as a body watched the video and then talked about what it meant to us, and we had a leader (Dr. Shirley Mullen, the college president) kind of guiding and shaping our discussion as we went. I personally tihnk that I had far more profound thoughts and statements that meant something ot me doing "chapel" in this way than at any other point in my Houghton career. I think that part of it is because I could see that other people really meant what they were saying; and even knowing some of them, I knew why they were saying what they were. It wasn't just someone that "we" as a "community" brought in to speak to us from a stage, but it was we ourselves sharing our own thoughts and experiences with each other.
I want to say that this is much more like what Paul had in mind when he goes on his tirade about how prophecy is better than tongues in 1 Corinthians 14; each person contributing something positive to the whole assembly that can build the body up.

The first thought that really struck me was when someone said that the reason that he had a negative view of silence was because it meant introspection, and he didn't always like what he would find in that introspection... Believe me, that is definitely my life.
Or maybe I'm more afraid that I won't find anything.
Or something that I can't achieve or can't have...

Another thing that was said (thank you Tineke!) was that there is a very marked difference between an empty silence and a filled silence. And empty silence is uncomfortable and awkward, and no one likes it; a filled silence is a sign of intimacy.

And then someone else also said that we are uncomfortable with silence (specifically in conversation) because it represents the idea that we don't know what comes next. We are no longer in control. We are going to have to hear what someone else says, or to go in the direction that they want to take the conversation. And if you apply that to a meditation setting, you have no idea where your thoughts will end up.

A combination of those two ideas with one of my own (though I'm sure it's not really mine alone) that society defines whether or not yo uare important off of what you have to say and what you can do and get done and how productive you are...

And you get an outline of something that has been floating around in my head for a while now as "Conversational Impatience".

I've noticed in myself so many times over this semester situations where in conversation someone will say something that I want to respond to, and so I will; regardless of whether or not they had more to say or were going on to some other point or were finished talking. Occasionally I will interject something quickly and then re-focus them, but more often I try to make the conversation go in a different direction. I want it to be something that we both have control over (which really means that I have control over) and so we both just keep going.

But someone raised the question today (and since it wasn't just a thought floating around in my own head, it really struck me) what about all the things that might be said? It was certainly presented in a negative manner; not only does it represent something that we can't control, but it also might affect us in ways we don't want it to. But I wonder how much do we/I miss out on something because we/I are so impatient that we roll right over what someone else has to say to make our own point? To assert our own piece of control?
To fulfill our own pride?

I have also (partly in my own thoughts, partly in the words that others have come to me with) struggled with caring about people this semester. And I wonder how much a part of that this conversational impatience is. If I always want to insert my own thoughts into what people are saying to me, or telling me, or pouring out from their hearts into my ears, how long will they continue to think that I care? Or will they see me as a self-centered and self-focused person who only wants to give his own view on the situation? I wonder how many times I have turned someone away without realizing it because of this?

And beyond that, I have also been struggling with the idea that God ~maybe~ has a plan for my life, and not knowing what it is, and not knowing how He is going to communicate with me. Conversational impatience with the people around me pretty much seals the deal on them being able to speak God's will in my life... And it also seals the deal on God Himself being able to do it. If I take the way that I insert my own thoughts and opinions into conversations with other people, how much more do I do this in prayer - where it is so hard to listen anyways?

Dr. Mullen pointed out today that silence is a practice - and that we are all out of practice. She said that one of the key ways that this is so visible is that when we stop talking and stop listening to all the noise around us, and try to have a time of silence... Our mind goes wild. We start thinking about the millions of things that we should have done or need to do or are going to do; where in the middle of that can God get through to us?
Especially if we insist on constantly telling him all the things that we "want Him to know"?

In this vein of how God speaks to us, I've also had this profoud (to me) thought about how He does it... It's really that He did it. Madrigals sang a song about "And this is love - not that I have first loved You. And this is love - that You have first loved me." How often do we describe the Bible (at least to little children) as God's love letter to us, as the way that He speaks to us in our lives; yet we wait for Him to speak to us (in our ears (which only comes in a still, small voice anyways) in a real sense) before we will truly give our lives over to Him. How illogical is that?

I arrived at that thought because I had thought that in any human relationship with someone else, I would gradually get to know the other person as time passed by, and they would gradually get to know me. So how is it fair that I have to go through my whole life talking to God and He gets to talk to me only when and how He chooses, and probably only very seldomly over the course of my life?
And then I was like "Oh..." Because of course God has already sent me a message in the Bible (as if Creation, both of the world and of me wasn't enough) that has said the basic message of what He wants to say to me. That He loves me and He wants to know me and be in a relationship with me. And I don't give Him the time of day? I treat Him with the same basic disrespect and conversational impatience that I treat any of my human friends with? What kind of person does that make me? Shouldn't I not only want to tell God everything, but also listen for His voice in return? Or at least spend significant (if not enormous) amounts of time in His word, His letter written to me?
How much is that the greatest sin that I have in my life?

Who I Am

2007-04-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

A lot of the things I post here have their beginnings in my rambling thoughts as I clean.
I should clean more often.

I have been undergoing an enormous amount of stress in the last few days and weeks trying to figure out who I am. I have felt so beat up and bruised by life because people keep coming up to me and blasting me for these things that they see in me - some of which I don't see myself. And I spend a lot of mental effort having a pity party and making myself think of the answers - which of course works out brilliantly well.

I have come to recognize the fact that I don't have anything that I am grounded in. To put it as I did to Katie Scrafford the other day, I feel like events that happen to you should pass through you... And as they come up against the core of who you are, it is that which affects and changes you.
But I have made my core to be very, very small. It is nigh impossible for an experience to touch me deeply. I don't allow myself to dwell on any one thing for too long. I don't spend time in though or in prayer about things that have happened to me, for I am constantly looking forward. I don't let things mean enough to me - or risk enough - that they can truly touch me at the core of my being.

And this has driven me crazy! I have felt so direction-less and so out of whack amongs my peers, so passionate about their lives and what they are doing and what they are accomplishing for God. And I look at everything in my life and I see how it only points back to myself.
Call that what you will, but I'll settle for SIN.

And I don't necessarily know how to fix this. I know that of course I should be grounded and rooted in God and that He should determine my identity and that I should Love Him with everything I am.

But let's be honest folks, who really knows exactly what that looks like? Jesus says "take up your cross, sell everything you have, leave everything behind and follow me!"
What is my cross? If I am leaving something behind, what am I headed towards? Not that I have to know my future, but I don't think that I have the faith enough to give up everything and seek only Him.
But even if I did, what does that mean? Monastic life? Or can it in fact mean finishing out school here at Houghton with the double major that I have and going out into the "world" to "do something with my life".

The HC Viewbook that is next to my bed says "to find your place in the world, start in a place that honors the search."

There is a trend at this point in history to start "your place in the world" a lot earlier in life than at any other time before. Think about it: athletes go pro out of high school, people skip their master's degrees to get a Ph.D., students choose their major straight out of high school in nhopes that they'll make their childhood dream their lifelong path. And for some paths, you must do that.

But so much of life doesn't work out that way. We don't often acknowledge the fact that you really have no certainty to what you are going to be doing in life. One of the verses that is super-convicting for me right now is from James 4:
"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. hwat is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.""
Granted, I am in such an uncertain state that I don't know what I'm going to be doing, and I certainly don't really make plans to do it. But I have felt the pressure lately to know what MY plans should be in case God doesn't really care enough to make His known to me. Not to mention that I SUCK at listening for God's voice in my life, so I wouldn't really know His plan if it came up and hit me in the face.

But I think, as at so many other times in my life, I have become too centered on right now (did I really just say that?) and thus too impatient. The profound thought came to me while cleaning: College is supposed to be where you start figuring these things out about life!
I have been so upset and so frustrated about feeling directionless and lost, that I have lost sight of hte fact that part of the reason I am here is because I don't know what my life is going to be about yet and I need to start to figure it out. Isn't that one of the points of coming to college? Isn't it supposed to be about the search, and not just a single step in the path of some larger plan that you already set out before yourself?
Granted, I know it is only a single step for some people, but that is not the case for me.

So, if you read this and feel so inclined, pray for my patience. Yes, I do need direction. Yes, I do need to spend more time listening for God's voice and building a closer relationship with Him. Yes, I do need to be grounded and rooted in Him instead of whatever single event I happen to be engaged in at the current moment. But my request right now is that you pray that I will have the patience to sit back and let Him work, instead of wresting control of my own life and trying to force things to fit on my own.

And probably screwing them up in the process... And then being really stressed about it.

Question of the Night

2007-04-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

When
Why
How
Did I become everything I hated?

When
Why
How
Did I become so shallow?

When
Why
How
Did I become completely disconnected?

When
Why
How
Did I become so callous and uncaring?

When
Why
How
Did I become so empty?

When
Why
How
Did I become a machine?

When
Why
How
Did I become so confused?

When
Why
How
Did I become so stretched?

When
Why
How
Did I become self-worthless?

When
Why
How
Did I become self-all-important?

When
Why
How
Did I become so rootless?

When
Why
How
Did I become so fruitless?

When
Why
How
Did I become so distant?

When
Why
How
Did I become such a crappy friend?

When
Why
How
Did I become not even a friend at all?

When
Why
How
Do I change?

When?

Why?

How?

Extrovert Stamina

2007-04-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

So at Houghton we have this required course called First Year Introduction, which is really just this gerneral college student information course, and for the large part a waste of time. I mean, there's value to a lot fo the information we get in it, but I feel like it's not worth what goes into it.

Anyways, among the 30 or so upperclassmen student leaders for F.Y.I. next year are my roommate and my girlfriend, so I get to hear pretty much all about what they do for trianing and such. They recently took the Meiers-Briggs (or whatever it is) personality test, which led to some pretty interesting conversations, not the least of which was her realization that we are completely opposite... I am a ENF-P and she is a ITF-J.

Really though this is mostly about my introspection and trying to figure out the many parts of my identity that I am so confused and lost about what to do with. One of these is the part of me that I have always treasured that has me bouncing around from person to person and group to group, always interacting with tons of people and not having one single group of friends to really call my own.

In high school this was borne out of the fact that I had a large number of very close friends that were based in very different groups, and I went from group to group to be with those individual people.

Now, it's based off of me just being so accustomed to bouncing from group to group that it's what I do naturally. And I have come to realize that I don't really know how I feel about this.

My roommate considers himself an introvert - I have long known that he is not one at all. For instance, last year when he was gone during MayTerm I was something of a social introvert, because I didn't really want to be at meals or around large groups of people without him there... I realize that most of you won't believe this at all, but it was true. He also has aquired himself a harem - not really, but we did just have a conversation about the 8 people he is married to, by Houghton standards.

So I wonder why he considers himself an introvert. But upon thinking along these lines as I was cleaning tonight, I decided it was an issue of stamina. I think that he considers himself an introvert because he spends a lot of time alone in our room, or maybe talking with someone else on the floor. I, on the other hand, still view my room as for the most part just a place to sleep (I left this morning for my 8 A.M. class and didn't get back until 10:30 P.M.).

And with all this going on, I have still noted to myself several times in the last semester that he simply seems to have so much more people energy than I have. and that doesn't make sense to either of us, and I don't know that he would even believe it.

But the realization I came to is that the real difference between us is that he takes time to "recharge" as it were, while I am constantly surrounded by other people. I can't really think of a time during the day where I am deliberately alone, or deliberately take time to think about my life and how I need to relate to other people.

Which is related to how I think that I have nothing that is the kind of guiding force in my life, but that's a longer story for another day.

But it has become second nature for me to always go looking for people. And because of this, I know an incredible amount of people on campus... There are probably less than ten other people on campus that can claim the same amount of people that I know. So it's all too easy to just go out and see someone and stop and have a conversation with them.

But because of the way that I have set my life up, I don't really have anything to offer people beyond a quick-fix. I can make them smile and laugh, or offer a hug and a word of encouragement, but beyond maybe three people I just don't have the ability to care / remember / consciously think about more than one or two people on anything but a surface level.

Because I'm so constantly surrounded.
And never alone.

As Dr. Bressler pointed out to me, I have such tight control over how I spend my time that I have left absolutely no room for God to work in my life.

So, I really need prayer.
Not only that I can begin to understand my identity in Him, but that He wil give me the strength to change to who I need to be, and also that He will give me the wisdom to know how to pass my time in His service, and not in my own.
And that I can have the strength to once in a while be alone.

Nouwen and I

2007-04-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

I have recently become a determinist, I think. At least, I find much more freedom and joy in the thoughts of life as a determinist who believes that the only free will can be the free will out of God's will and into sin. It really is a much more beautiful system that way.

The words that I just read from Henri Nouwen pretty much describe my life exactly as it is right now:

"But human withdrawal is a very painful and lonely process, because it forces us to face directly our own condition in all its beauty as well as its misery. When we are not afraid to enter into our own center and concentrate on the stirrings of our soul, we come to know that being alive means being loved. This experience tells us that we can only love because we are born out of love, that we can only give because our life is a gift, and that we can only make others free because we are set free by Him whose heart is greater than ours. When we have found the anchor places for our lives in our own center, we can be free to let others enter into the space created for them and allow them to dance their own dance, sing their own song, and speak their own language without fear. Then our presence is no longer threatening and demanding but inviting and liberating."

Mostly - as it was so very true in high school, for those of you that knew me then - I am just incredibly scared of knowing myself, for as Nouwen wrote a few pages earlier, the wound of my loneliness does indeed run deep.

But if I can't enter into it on my own and learn from it, I can't ever expect it to change or to heal.

Living Jesus or believing Paul?

2007-03-02T09:29:00.001-08:00

I was thinking last night, pondering how to live instead of just believe. It's not really an easy task, and it's not like there is much of a roadmap for how to do that, since the "Christian" culture that I live in doesn't really take too kindly to changing it's status quo of belief Christianity. Which is quite a problem for me, the religion student, taking a 1 Corinthians class and learning all about how Paul's goal for the church is to become a redical subculture with an entirely different way of life than the culture at large.

And then this question came to me: What if instead of being so busy trying to live as Paul (or Moses, by whom I really mean the OT law) command/call us to we lived the way that Jesus lived and let Paul (and Moses) stand as reminders to help us live Jesus better?
What I mean is that in Christianity today the focus is all about personal holiness, living a pure and righteous life free from sin and vice and full of virtue and goodness. Not sinning, in otherwords. First of all, that kind of life only considers sins of comission, and not sins of omission. It's all about being a better person; which is why you get so many people accused of having a "holier-than-thou" attitude. People think that if they only have a speck in their eye while it is obvious that all their brothers have planks, they are certainly on the narrow path that leads to life.

And I wonder what Jesus would have thought of that. Jesus who healed the sick (I don't), Jesus who touched the lepers (I don't), Jesus who made blind men see (I don't), Jesus who hung out with prostitutes and tax-collectors and sinners (I don't), Jesus who cared for the poor in spirit and those who mourn and the meek (I'm not sure that I do). And I can't help but think that Shane Claiborne's Jesus would be much more focused on those things that Jesus actually did than trying to live a pure and holy sinless life full of righteousness (which, by the way, he also did - andI don't).

And in all this I though that I had something, where we really needed to put the focus of CHRISTianity back on Jesus and take it off of Paul (or Moses).
Then this morning as I was reading Matthew, I came across a really troublesome passage that I don't think I've ever heard preached before (impressive for someone who has spent 20 years in the church and maybe missed 20 Sundays. Look at me, aren't I holy?), and can say with some certainty that I've heard flat out contradicted before.
It's also interesting that it's a highlighter moment, where we have highlighted the part we liked so we didn't have to really think about the rest.

Mt. 5, v 17-20 (NIV).
"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to ablish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven."

How often do we look to v. 17 and say this is what Jesus came for! And completely ignore the rest of the passage? Is it because we don't know what to do with it? Or is it because we don't like what it says?
While of course I want to point out that I'm only 20 and know next to nothing about the Bible, it sure looks like Jesus is pointing to OT law, and even the prophets, and saying: "If you don't live up to these, at least as well as the Pharisees (ironically, whose hearts are in the wrong place with their "holier-than-thou" attitudes, that brood of vipers), you are screwed and will not go to heaven (the chief fear of belief Christianity, which is more or less fire insurance)!
And if you'll permit a little eisegesis here, there were some Pharisees (or those less than Pharisees) who weren't afraid to say to Jesus "All these I have kept" (Mt. 19, v. 20). While some students in my NT World class find it unfathomable that someone could say that they have kept the whole law, people (the Pharisees) did it, and on a regular basis.
And, if you'll permit a little blatant plagiarism from Rich Mullins / Shane Claiborne on p. 99 in The Irresistible Revolution (who also provided the "highlighter moment"), that's the whole point of the rich young ruler story - is that you can keep the whole law; but you still lack selling all you have, giving to the poor, and following (now to think back to Rob Bell, who in Velvet Elvis points out that to follow a rabbi meant to imitate him in every way, going so far as to quite literally walk in his footsteps) Jesus.

You can talk about Paul and faith and purity and holiness and righteousness and whatever is good, pure, lovely, noble, trustworthy, etc., all day long; and you can go on and on about how you have followed and kept the whole law your entire life, even honoring your father and mother since birth (I certainly haven't!); but at the end of it, what is the point?

Faith, without works, is dead. To stretch a little: Faith in Jesus, without the works and imitation of Jesus, is dead.

And yes, before you all say it, I know that I have made it seem that I think that Paul doesn't advocate imitating Jesus at all; I know this is not the case. My point is more that we only look at / preach / use / talk about / live the parts of Paul that I mentioned above, instead of focusing first on imitating Jesus and THEN on holiness (which you'd think that imitating Jesus would be holiness...). Thus the point of the whole argument, that we should imitate Jesus FIRST, and then Paul (and or Moses) can come after to remind us how to imitate Jesus better.

Chesterton and Claiborne

2007-03-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

The quote that has been running through my head for quite a while is from something by G.K. Chesterton that I read in Great Ideas: "Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried."

As I look around me, and even at my own life, I realize just how true that really is. I see people unwilling to do things because they are too weak emotionally, or to unimaginative, or too steeped in the rhetoric of the "Christianity" that they grew up in to make their faith their own - or beyond that, to make it something lived out, not just believed.

I've been reading Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution (who influences much of the rest of this post) and it is a marvelous vision of what Jesus life lived out in today's world looks like, instead of what we are all too content to do and just believe in Jesus life. He talks about how easy it is to have your whole life together before truly encountering Jesus. He shows you how Jesus will take your life and screw it all up.

It's way to easy to be cool, to have your group of friends that you hang out with, to be a "good little Christian" without really doing anything different than anyone in the world does it; except that you abstain from pre-marital sex and alcohol or drug abuse, and maybe if you are really good you'll stay away from questionable media influences and keep from swearing. Really, how hard is that?

But is that really what it looks like to "take up your cross daily"? It's just like what Shane says, taking from Jesus - that's just what the world does. They all form their little "in-groups" and have their social mores and rules and norms that they follow, and ostracize you for not living up to that, and consider themselves morally and socially superior.

What if we took the life of Jesus out of the academic and out of the once- or twice-a-week church setting or out of the realm of belief and took him primarily into our social world?

What would this look like when it comes to the uncool, the losers, the people that no one likes to hang out with? Could trying to live Jesus life as our own mean that we continually love the poeple that we look at and see as weak, the ones that we have started to leave behind because all they ever do is complain? Or the ones that do nothing but criticize those around them? Or the ones that have habits and struggles and downfalls that are below such mature Christians as we are?

What if we took this out of the setting of what we have made our everyday lives and did something far more "radical"? What if we took what to us now is "radical" and made it ordinary? What if we started to really do what Jesus said to do, and that being caring for orphans, for widows, for the poor, for the sick, for the imprisoned, for the broken, for the weak, for the immature (?), for the people that no one else cares about? What if we slowly tried to work them into our social lives?

I really don't know exactly what this looks like, beyond the picture of it I see in The Irresistible Revolution. Or beyond Hobo Jueves. Beyond that, I really don't even know if I have the strength to try to live that life. I may be too steeped in a different Christianity, and I may be tied too tightly to my own "emotional stability" to try to break into living a new life, a different life.

To go from believing Jesus to living Jesus.
That's what people find so hard, and that's why they give up.

Instant Gratification

2006-10-23T09:24:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since my fiftiest post, and I was feeling lazy today. Not really lazy, as I sit around and read up on the coming elections, chilling in my room before I head up to lunch on the first day back from break, which was wonderful. I think that October break might be my favorite of all the breaks, since both of mine thus far have been so wonderfully relaxing.

Anyway, I was reading an interview with President Bush where he is talking about his commitment to stick to his strategy for Iraq, because it is an ideological struggle that will take time to sort out. He sais that "Ideological struggles take time. We live in a world in which there should be, there needs to be, instant success... things must happen rapidly."*

This is totally a reflection of what either Neil Postman or Todd Gitlin would say, especially as Bush goes onto say that he hings that the reason for this need for speed is related to having too many TV channels, where everything is solved in an hour, and it only takes an hour if it can't possibly be done in half of one.

I hate TV. We hsould all be more patient, more willing to struggle with tough ideas, not only in the political realm but also in our personal lives. Maybe I'm just sympathetic to this right now because of my laid back semester that I'm in, but still. Why don't we take the time to ourselves to get to know ourselves, what we think about ourselves, and what we think about the world?

Introspection, O how I hate you!

2006-09-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

I go to school on a really beautiful campus. There are times when I know that and other times when I talk about it (at least I think there are) but today I really feel that. I'm sitting on the chapel steps after chapel, reading and just having some time to myself - shocking I know - and watching the clouds blow in over the trees and the NAB and library. The sky is a gorgeous blue today, and the sun is out. I know that in osme ways I only feel so strongly about how beautiful it is out today because it has been grey and dreary for so long, but I can't help it. This campus is gorgeous, and as the weeks pass and the leaves change, it will only be more so :-)

I tried to upload a picture, but Blogger hates me right now. Probably because I'm on wireless and the connection can be iffy.

Anyways, I was talking with my parents last night about the way I live my life, and there are some interesting things that came up during/out of that conversation. My friend Kyle wants to get his PhD in English and teach at the college level, and even as a sophomore he is practically married already... It's kind of ridiculous, to tell the truth. But he is so caught up in that dream that he has for his life that he is really struggling right now to enjoy each day as it comes.

I am very much the opposite. I live each day as it comes, taking each moment and making what I can of it with what I have, but I don't have any idea where my life is heading or how I'm going to get there. Generally I think that that's a great thing, but now I'm starting to wonder.

I really do believe that it's good not to worry about the future, to know that it's not in your hands and that you'll be fine - His eye is on the sparrow, after all. But what I realized this last week, and got hammered into me talking with my parents, is that you still need to plan and prepare for what is coming ahead. Not that you need to be worried and bogged down in that, or that you need to cause yourself all sorts of undue stress about it, like so many do, but how can you get where you are going if you don't know what target you are aiming at?

it's caused me to spend a lot of time thinking about what I'm going to major in, why I want that major, what I'm going to do with that major, what I want the rest of my life to look like. Do I have a clearly defined future that I want? Heck no. Am I searching for what God wants me to do? Yeah. Am I serachgin for what I want to do? Yeah. Amd I trying to make those two things fit together? Yeah. But it's hard, and I don't like it, and I hate not having anything to do with my time and having to do all this thinking and introspection and soul-searching! It really drives me crazy, because I don't know what to do with it. And it makes it harder for me to focus and get things done because I'm so unused to it, and I haven't adjusted yet.

But I do believe that it's a good thing for me to do. And so I'll keep trying to take time for myself, sitting and listening to music and thinking about my life as it fits in with life in general, and more importantly what God's view of life is. and I'll probably continue to hate it, at least for a while. But it's good for me, so try and try again. Right now, at least, I'm perfectly content with where I am. Todd Agnew is singing, the clouds are blocking the sun, but only for now, and this campus is a truly beautiful place.

All of this, God has blessed me with.

Ephesians 3

2006-09-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm totally convinced that this is a huge chapter that the church needs to focus on right now. And this post is only so I"ll remember to try to come write about it for real later.

Noise

2006-09-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

In the last few weeks I've come across a couple of ideas having to do with noise. The first was from NOOMA film by Rob Bell that my floor watched for Bible study a couple weeks ago. The most compelling part of it was when it was a black screen with white print that read "does your life look like one that is slowing down to hear God's voice?"

But I was reading Screwtape again today and Lewis was talking about the same thing. This is what good 'ole uncle Screwtape has to say on the subject:
"Music and silence - How I detest them both! How thankful we should be that ever since Our Father entered Hell - though longer ago than humans, reckoning in light years, could expreess - no square inch of infernal space and no moment of infernal time has been surrendered to either of those abominable forces, but all has been occupied by Noise - Noise, the grand dynamism, the audible expression of all that is exultant, ruthless, and virile - Noise which alone defends us from silly qualms, despairing scruples and impossible desires. We will make the whole universe a noise in the end. We have already made great strides in this direction as regards the Earth..."

It's really too bad how busy we can all get as people, as humans, that we stop slowing down to get in tune with God. Last night in Bible study we were talking about how in some way, each person has a part of the reflection of God in them. If we were slowing down to see that, how radically different would our campuses, our workplaces, our schools look? Instead of this individualism and desire to get ahead, cliq-ishness and exclusivism and competition, wouldn't it be awesome to see a loving community always supporting each other in everything? Always loving and encouraging each other?

For my part, I'm trying to live that out, but it's hard. And impossible without taking the time to connect by reading my Bible (which I'm horrible at) and praying (which isn't really smart unless you are grounded in the Word.... As I'm slowly learning. I'll post on that someday.). But hopefully, things will slowly move that direction as people see how horrible Noise is and how wonderful Silence and the music that is the life that God wants us to live (another Rob Bell thought from NOOMA) really are.

An Apology

2006-09-14T16:56:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't noticed, I hate my cell phone. No really, I hate it. And I know that you all said that I wouldn't, and you didn't believe me when I said I wouldn't use it, and I know that for a while when it was new and everything I did use it quite a bit - or maybe that was still a byproduct of being at home. But now I'm here at school, and I just don't use it at all.

By I don't use it, I should preface that by saying that I don't hardly call anyone. I tend to have it with me non-stop, whether to use it as a watch or just because I've grown far to attached to having it on my person. But even though I have it, it's on silent, so if you call me it's highly unlikely that I'll answer. And even though I'll still listen to my voice mails and be touched, it's even more unlikely than me seeing you call that I'll call back.

A number of people have been mad at me because I don't keep in touch with them - or they think that I keep in touch with other people more than I do with them. It's really hard for me to explain to them that the people I keep in touch with the most are the people that call me the most - I'm wicked bad at going out of my way to stay in touch.

And I don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I'm perfectly OK with that because I have a life here and I have friends here and I'm the same way now with it that I always thought I would be: yes, I have a cell phone, but I'd rather talk with people in person. So I'm not going to sacrifice that time or that chance to connect with real, solid people to spend time on my phone.
It is also related to how much time I spent on my phone the first few weeks of school and how much crap I took for it and how people were always telling me that I was missing out on so much by not engaging the things and opportunites around me (which is one of the reasons I came here in the first place...).

But on the other hand, I am still missing out. I'm missing out on some of the deepest relationships that I have in my life, some of the best that I've ever had and some that I can't hope to replace. I'm missing out on spending what time I can with the people that love me more than anyone else, and the people that really make me feel loved - something that I have always really struggled with.

Yet it's hard for me to use that argument with myself because I still have the thought and the knowledge that even though I myself am an absolutely horrible friend because I don't keep in touch with people, the people that mean the most to me at home will still love me in spite of that. I'll be able to go back after 6 months at school and still have so much connection with them and still be able to act like there was really no separation at all.

But today I was reading The Screwtape Letters and I was hit in the face with a metaphorical brick, which hurt especially in the face of the issues that I've been dealing with and how much I've been dealing with my own rampant selfishness! these last few weeks. I don't know how much it will sink in, and I certainly can't promise that I'll change all that much because I'm not perfect and I still don't know how what I read will apply and actually work out in my life... But this is some selections of what I read.

"Now, you will have noticed that nothing throws him into a passion so easily as to find a tract of time which he reckoned on having at his own disposal unexpectedly taken from him." ... "They anger him because he regards his time as his own and feels that it is being stolen."

"This assumption which you want him to go on making is so absurd that, if once it is questioned, even we cannot find a shred of argument in its defence."

Oh boy. I guess this relates to my last post and about how self-centered I am, and how one commenter said that the failure comes in that I haven't really allowed my thinking to be reformed. I mean, I have the data, just as he said, but I haven't really let that sink into my heart so that I am living that out.

So to all of you out there to whom this applies, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been such a lousy friend, such a lousy communicator. I'm sorry that I don't keep in touch. I'm sorry that I'm so focused on myself and how I want to use my time that I don't give anything to you. I hope to start to regress into a progress where I can fix that. I hope that you'll be patient with me as I try.

p.s.
If I were to bold all the first-person pronouns in this post, it would be severely depressing. Although, this is sort of so that you all can somewhat keep up on me... I wonder what ways a blog can only add to self-centeredness?

ME! (just kidding)

2006-08-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

So, camp.
Camp has been crazy.

Last week was the most physically exhausting camp I've ever been a part of. Which is impressive, because I was saying that two weeks ago as well. Not that this is at all bad, but exhausting is well... tiring. I loved getting like seven soccer games over the five days of camp last week, and a couple football games, and a couple of awesome recreation games - but now my legs hurt. And it's Wednesday of the next week.

Luckily, this week has been really relaxing. We have to be up and ready to go at 9, and we work until noon. And after that, we are free until the evening rally at 7. So over the last two afternoons, I sat in Paul and Katrina's apartment and talked with Becca Clark and then watched Gilmore Girls, and played in a waterfall. The first was really relaxing in every way, but climbing up waterfalls and swimming upstream a creek wasn't really restful at all :-)

But that's just the physical state of my body (minus the story about the broken toes and the new scars sprouting up on my body). Spiritually and emotionally it's been a fun ride with these five other people that I'm spending my summer with.

I'm full of all kinds of talk that isn't true at all. Like how I talk about how I'm so laid back about the details and I just want other people to take car of them and then let me know what they are so I can be there at the right times.
Well, I thought that until I realized this summer that I actually need to be asked what my opinion is (though I still usually give none) for that to be true. The first few weeks I was really angry at the rest of the group because they would make all the decisions together and then tell me what I was going to do. That didn't really sit well with me at all, and amazingly enough I had a terrible attitude about it.
I also realized that those details need ot make sense to me for it to be true. For instance, on our way to Chamber's camp a couple weeks ago, we had some stuff we needed to get at Wal-Mart, K-Mart, whatever. So we stopped at 5:30 p.m. and we got it. As we stopped I asked if this was dinner or not and was told that no, of course it wasn't (you know, in that tone that makes it seem like you just asked whether or not the sun was out on a 115 degree day). So we stopped two exits later and got dinner. "Brilliant!" I thought to myself.
So I'm realizing that while I may have some patience when it comes to waiting for things, I have very little patience for people.

Granted, this problem is nothing compared to the other huge problem I'm having this summer.

PRIDE!

YAY!!

It's been a good time. And really, all that patience for other people stuff that I just talked about it just a product of this one. I have had the hardest time with certain people this summer for a number of reasons. They are loud and obnoxious at times when they shouldn't be. They are very confused about who they are and what kind of image they want to give off to other people. They are always hanging out with the other college students instead of with the campers/students. They are always complaining about how tired they are. They are usually brining this on themself by being online or on the phone or doing laundry until 3 a.m. when they could just as easily do it the next day.They are always complaining about how the camp should have been run differently. They are always complaining about their campers. They are always complaining.

So for those of you who know me, you should realize that most of these apply to me. Which makes it maddening to me when I truly stop to think about it how much I'm annoyed by them. You can chalk some of it up, I suppose, to me being tired (did I really just admit that?). But really, I just have this idea in my head of how they are supposed to be or act in a situation and they just don't live up to that. Funny, they don't live up to my standards. Heck, I don't, why should they?

So this morning as one of them for the second time in the last 16 hours proceeded to do something to drive me crazy, I just about lost it and flipped out bigtime on them. since it was the middle of the morning rally with the teens, I wisely decided that it wasn't really the time or the place to do that.
And since this person and I have had a couple "run-ins" this summer already where I have wanted to flip out and have had to restrain myself, I decided to drop it altoegether.
Although, I'm writing about it, so did I really?

After the rally I went across the hall to the prayer room to try to journal and write some stuff out and collect my thoughts. A lot of what's above is what came out on paper.

And I just got so frustrated - as I have been all summer - that I know that what I should be doing is dropping my own bad attitude about things and my own standards of what I think should happen and go and apologize for being such a jerk. But of course, given my pride and how of course what I want is right, and I shouldn't have to give up my own rights and my own ideals, etc, I shouldn't really have to do that, right?

I've been mentally grappling a lot for the last few months about "losing myself" in Christ and what it means to "find my identity in Christ". And I was just writing all these thoughts and these frustrations out and wondering how if I am never doing anything htat I want to do and I am always doing what Christ wants me to do, how does that leave me with any sense of my own identity? How can I be anything other than a robot? How, if we are all finding our identity in Christ, is that not pantheism?
I was reminded, as I was writing so much about myself (after someone else tipped me over the edge and I went to write to collect my thoughts about them) of Don Miller and his chapter on Community. He talks about how the way that he was living was as if he was constantly tuned in to this radio station that was all Don Miller all the time. He was insensitive to other's needs and desires, and all he cared about was himself. sure, he could put on this big show of "loving" other people and caring about them, but really it was all for selfish reasons. And nothing was more precious to him than his own wants and his own ego.
And I was like "Aww frick, that's me..."

Not a great feeling.

But all these things were building up in me and I just couldn't figure out how to reconcile them all to each other. I don't want to be so self-centered and egocentric and such and arrogant bastard - but I still want to badly to have a sense of my own identity and something retained that is inherently me.

And I was writing this all out in the prayer room across from the meeting room where one of my other five team members had just driven me up the wall, again, I had this verse (I had to look the reference up just now) just hit me smack in the face that turned everything around for me mentally.

"You are not your own; you were bought with a price." That price is the blood of Christ. He died on the cross for me. If he hadn't, I would be my own and I could gratify all my desires in any way I wanted and I could have my own identity and everything would be just great for me (haha).
But that's not the case.
He died for me. The Son of God came down in a human form and died for me. Out of love I should follow him with everything I have and I should be glad to do what he wants me to do. But I don't - I struggle with myself and my sin nature and I still want my own identity!
The shift came when I thought of the fact that I was BOUGHT with a price. I am not my own. Christ owns me, and He will do with me what He will, regardless of what I want. I don't have any opinion. Sure, I can rebel, but how many dogs do you know that like the pain that goes with obedience school? Because if I rebel and try to do things on my own, that's what I'll get. so why not drop my own thinking about how I have things that I deserve and I have things that I want and just get over the fact that I don't have crap because I belong to Jesus Christ.

I'm not perfect. It won't be easy to make that truth a reality in the way I live. And it won't be fun. And Who knows that I'll always know what Christ wants me to do? That's a big enough struggle as it is. But hopefully now that I am learning just how much I need to let go of myself (for I don't own myself!) it will start to get easier.
That at the very least is my prayer :-)

Pictures from Camp 180!

2006-07-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

Ahh, campers. This particular guy is eating a worm... his third for the day, and he wouldn't stop there. I got to have the whole range of campers in Michigan, especially since they split the week up into Senior High (Sun-W) and Junior High (W-Sat). With senior highers, I had kids that hated group activity, kids that thought the highlight of the week was the hour or so we spent wrestling on the ground, some guys who are really trying to figure the whole Christianity thing out, and one amazing young man who I got to talk and pray with on several occasions and whose spiritual maturity was a testimony to me. My junior highers were... crazy. We had a couple ADHD kids, a couple that were normal juinor high guys (or as normal as they get hehe), a couple that were definitely ready for high school as far as their maturity and sense of identity went. I had a blast with these kids, stealing my stuff and me climbing on their beds and smacking them around, staying up and talking and yelling even after our other counselors in that cabin went to bed... What? The crazy thing was that I still got up at 6:30 every morning to go running with the camp director and whoever else wanted to go... I did 12 miles in four days that week. It hurt. The first day most of my cabin got up for it (although about half went to the 6:30 Bible study). The second day the camp director was late, so I went back to bed... Only to have my campers come back and drag me out of bed when the director did finally show up. And then the one that got up with me quit after 200 yards or so leaving me, the director, and one other kid to tackle Big Bertha (think the ski hill for Houghton, and larger than Quentin Heights for Topeka). I was really angry since on of my kids went back to bed at that point... And the final day of junior high camp, I got up alone :-( It was funny to see my campers drain themselves throughout the week, and me still be going strong (if sore from running!).
This is Jen and Janee, who I'll mention later. I'm new to this whole photo-blogging thing and I didn't want to go back and change a bunch of stuff. Jen reminded me a lot of Anna, only toned down on the energy scale quite a bit :-)

This is my friend from Southern Wesleyan University, Lincoln. He is currently shown being taken out on the camp water slide by a speedy junior high girl who hit him from behind. There were teams from SWU, Bethany Bible College, and Indiana Wesleyan University there for the week. I didn't hang out with many of them a lot, but they were all really great people. Lincoln sat with Kyle (another Dayspringer) and I and the three of us greeted every camper as they arrived at camp and prayed with them. Another note about the waterslide... This is where I cut all the skin on my pinky finger most of the way off... And had to go into the city to get stitches... Only by the time we got there there was nothing to stitch back on... And I missed a soccer game for that, it sucked :-( This is my friend Joslin, and her stuffed pink dog... That is now my stuffed pink dog :-) It goes well with my pink blanket, pillow, and stuffed teddy bear (not to mention water bottle, backpack, and fan!) Joslin and Jen and Janee (pronounced the way that you would pronounce Jennae) were all great girls to hang out with for the week, playing frisbee with me and teaching me how to play retarded slapjack (which is awesome!)

2006-07-09T06:44:00.000-07:00

Hello one and all!

I'm getting ready to go to church here in Houghton and then will be doing who knows what for the rest of the day, but I am indeed alive! Two weeks of camp have both had their unique challenges, but they have been awesome. I've got pictures on my computer for both of them, and hopefully I'll get them up here in a couple days since we are at a camp here in Houghton for the week. I think that we are only security this week as well, not counselors, so feel free to call and try to chat anytime this week. Except today from 1:30-4, because then the World Cup game will be on, and we couldn't miss that now could we?

hehe!

Comfort

2006-05-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

And Latvia haunts me at night,
Though it's not even one in the morn,
And out of all my mental fright,
Something can't wait to be born.

I'm running on not enough sleep,
I'm running right out of my mind,
I'm tired of counting my sheep,
I just wish that I would unwind.

I read quite a bit, and let me tell you,
That others will read far more still;
But reading or watching, the many or few,
They can make assumptions and will.

It slows me that I just don't know,
It stops me right dead in my tracks,
It makes me just want be grown,
A skill that I certainly lack.

It all started out just so simple,
So not me, yet me just the same;
I smiled, I laughed, I had a dimple,
It wasn't what I had thought lame.

A few close around me they stood,
Excited I was to belong;
A few I'd hang out with and should,
Though I've had a bonding this strong.

Yet bonding this was all so different,
For bonding alone I sure was,
I wasn't doing as I had meant,
the reasons were many because:

I'd done all the other before,
The bouncing around different groups,
I'd done all the other before,
Hanging with readers and snoops.
I'd done all the other before,
And by all I really mean all;
I'd done all the other before,
Yet this time I made a new call.

There's people here that I am seeing,
There's people here with me I hate;
There's people here that I am seeing,
There's people here with me are great.

And some of those people excite me,
And keep me calm, focused and cool,
And some of those people delight me,
And help me to not break the rules.

The rules I speak of are conduct,
Or treating my peers with respect;
Those rules when broken are frightful,
I sometimes those rules neglect.

There are always people around you,
You are always wanting to see,
And sometimes they're hidden and sometimes they're few,
But always they fill you with glee.

But if you should make that decision,
And spend all your time with one group;
You just might be fried with derision,
You just might be treated like poop.

Because other people surround you,
And some things they don't understand,
And they will be sure to confound you,
With any old rumor offhand.

And then you will start second-guessing,
And those few you love will reside,
In mind far away from a blessing,
That you with them wish to confide.

And as you make more and more guesses,
And as the assumptions they fly,
You'll only be mindful of tresses,
You'll only want to sit and cry.

And even if you go and do that,
And out of your system it goes,
It only returns with the next time,
You hang out away from your foes.

Because of their words that will haunt you,
Not only theirs but also your few;
The guessing will always deny you,
The joy of a sunset so blue.

So here is what I think I'm saying,
And here is how I think it goes;
When you think you only are playing -
There's others will cut off your toes.

Without which you no longer stand right,
And surely then you're doomed to fall,
You'll try to go back, with all of your might,
And wonder "what's worth it at all?"

I'm sure there's a very good way that I am built the way that I am

2006-05-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I don't even get myself.

No really.

You all look at me and laugh;
Sometimes you are amused,
Sometimes you are ecstatic,
Sometimes you are just annoyed.

The point is that you see me.

It takes a very sheltered person not to.

But what does that mean?

I am not the center,
not the focus,
not the point around which you revolve.
I should not be so important,
so overrated,
so blown out of proportion.

Yet you all see me.

Strangely though, that has nothing
To do with what's going on now.

The way that I am built,
The way that I am feeling,
The way that I am hurting,
Right now is emotionally.

No, I haven't been hurt emotionally.
I'm not angry, used, abused,
Or torn or ripped apart at someone else's hands.
Well, I may be, but that's beside the point.

I am just feeling
What guys don't like to feel.
Real.

There's some stereotype bs
That says that boys don't cry.
I'd beat to tears the man that started that.

Not that I have a problem crying in front of other people.
Anyone who has been to youth camp with me should know that.
The point is that I now have all these emotions,
Out of nowhere,
That I don't know what to do with.
But they won't go away.

I feel like I just want to have this massive emotional outpouring-
But I don't know what emotion,
What time,
Who do shove it all on,
Where I should be,
And whether or not it would be right.
For me, for them, or for now.

So instead, I get this jumbled
Prose, randomly broken in
Line, just like my thoughts are
Broken
In effect,
Since I can't bear to
Try to write this out like
An essay.

That would be boring,
And I wouldn't be able to do it justice.

The point is that I'm hurting,
The point is that I'm scared,
To let them go a running,
To let my anger flare,
Or sorrow scream,
Or fear fly,
Or passion parade,
Or tears trickle (or flood);

I don't know what to do
With all the things I feel inside;
The corny part of me knows that
The next line ends with hide.
I know that I am lost,
Afraid and unafraid,
My feelings all are mixed up
In a twisted wind-blown braid;

Andthat'showI'mfeelingwithnofinality...

St. Basil's Cathedral, Red Square, Moscow

2006-05-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

This is just a teaser :-)

I love Wednesday!

2006-02-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, it's just a wonderful day.

My day really didn't start out all that great, to be honest. I mean, sitting down in Big Al's (the "restaraunt in the basement of the campus center) at midnight working on a take home Greek test really isn't my idea of fun at all. Especially when you are walking people through it... It's good for me though, I suppose, to try to work on stuff more slowly and have to explain it to people. I mean, I work on it better and I learn it because I'm teaching it at the same time. But still... I worked on it til one, not at all enjoyable.

I walked Michelle back to her dorm since I was working with her on it (and had been for... Ok, we technically started at 8:30 because I was in and out to Ryan's birthday party) for a while, so I did the whole polite chivalry thing :-) We got to the front door and I saw another one of my friends working dilligently at her computer, and I thought "That's gotta stop." So I threw a snowball at her window and scared the heck out of her... It was hilarious.

I came back down to my room in a decent mood, but still a little out of it (Greek does that to me). I walked into Josh's room since Alec was asleep and talked with him for a while. We watched the PETA commercials for the Super Bowl that were (rightfully) banned from being shown. After we talked for a while, he said that he wanted to finish watching I, Robot because he'd never seen it (we'd watched the first hour the night before). So we stayed up until 2:30 watching that before either of us went to bed.

I got up at 8:30, after the third or fourth time an alarm went off in our room. I showered, put my sweats on (I almost never wear sweats to class... weird) and walked outside with Alec. Seriously, it's a freaking nice day outside. Like really, it's just absolutely beautiful. I could be outside in shorts and a t-shirt no problem. I stinkin love it a whole whole lot.

I got to Intro to Christ and class was ok, we talked about Henry VIII who of course I know nothing about... right.

Literature of the Western World with Dr. Bressler is just an amazing class. He and I are really comfortable with each other because we have personalities that are somewhat similar... We both make fun of each other in class :-) The last book we read was The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Well, the class read it, I didn't... I still got 20/20 on the quiz though. Last class after we talked about Lewis for a long time, I asked him if he was going to talk about the right order to read through the Chronicles. He said we'd talk about it last time...
So today that's all we did. He went through the different arguments to read them through in which ways and talked about lots of different aspects of them. If I didn't have class in half an hour I'd go more in depth, but they tell me that class is a good thing to do around here :-)

Then at chapel Nickole Braddock, the founder of OneVoice ministries talked about sexual abuse. It was clear that because of some personal history with it it was s difficult subject for her to talk about, even after years of traveling and speaking about it, but it was an excellent chapel. At one point she was talking about audiences she'd had in the past and she pointed to me and started talking about a guy "like this fella right down here in the front" who was really energetic and loud... My friends and I all got a kick out of that :-D

So I'm a little hyper with the smileys today :-) But it's ok, because I'm in a good mood! After chapel I walked to the campus center for lunch and hung out with Sean Read, Matt Gibbel, and Sarah (I won't embarass myself by trying to spell her last name!) something or other who yelled at me for not getting out of the girls dorm fast enough last night. Then I went up and ate lunch with Sean and Matt and Ben Valentine, a guy I kind of know from ROTC because Alec is in it. We talked about random stuff until we finished eating. It was exciting.

This post really should stop now, because I'm sure it lacks any sense of coherence at all. But I'm in a good mood, so you should read it anyways. If you havn't already stopped. Why am I still talking?

I walked downstairs after hanging out with random people upstairs for a while and I talked to Sean some more about random stuff like a Youth lock-in that I might help out with. Sean wanted to know if I'd for sure be able to make it through staying up all night... I laughed.

Then I went over and talked to Rebecca Crouch, who I don't really know how I know. I know she is good friends with Paul and Katrina and Sean and the seniors that I hang out with, but that's about it. But she works in the Athletic Department and so I talk to her every time I go up to the gym for anything... Speaking of which, I really need to start working out again. Or doing anything physical. After being sick last week, I feel lazy and lethargic and I have energy that needs to be burned! HEHEHEHE.... BE SCARED!!!

sO REALLY, i HAVE NO IDEA WHY i'M STILL TYPING. aND i'M HAVING FUN PLAYING WITH CAPS LOCK.

bUT i GAVE rEBECCA A BACK RUB (AND WAS THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED BY THE RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF HUGE KNOTS IN HER BACK) AND TALKED WITH HER ABOUT SOME STUFF INCLUDING HER RECENT BREAKUP AND HOW SHE IS HANDLING IT AND ALL KINDS OF STUFF LIKE THAT. tHEN pAUL ENDED UP IN OUR CONVERSATION AND i TALKED WITH THEM FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR. tHEN i WALKED rEBECCA UP TO HER OFFICE BECAUSE i DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO COME BACK DOWN TO sOUTH AND CLEAN LIKE i WAS GOING TO.

Are you annoyed with my playing with caps lock yet? I sure am! On my way back down here to grab my music for voice lessons (among which is the song Stars from Les Mis) I saw my friend Joe Stempert (who is maybe one of the most quality guys I have ever met) driving back down so I got into his car and drove down with him and talked about our mutual getitn screwed out of RA/HR positions. I have to admit though, his situation sucks a whole lot more than mine... He had it all locked up until some crap happened that is totally not fair to him at all and shouldn't have affected his hiring in the least. But he is definitely taking it well and realizing that it is the Lord's plan for him and so that was good.

So I don't know why at all. Maybe it's just the incredibly wonderful weather that God is blessing us with here at Houghton (although I have been assured it will drop below ten degrees this weekend... Hurrah!), and maybe it was that yesterday also was a stellar day (I'll save that conversation until I get to call my parents and tell them about it, because it was freaking awesome!!) but I'm just in a crazy good mood. It's also because I don't have Greek class today:-P I have a ton of energy even though my body is tired, I am just really happy and in a good mood. For some reason, I thought you all might like to know :-)

Well, I suppose I have to go to choir. I really do.

TTFN, Ta Ta For Now!

"Forgive Me"

2006-02-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

Inspired by a Foolish Things song (in blue)...

I seem to be cursed,
To be blessed
At everything I put my hand too.

That was my thought at the beginning of the week. Really, I couldn't understand it. I just keep trying to get involved with new things, and I keep getting into them. It seemed to me that God just kept blessing me by allowing me to be involved in them. For a while this was incredibly exciting. But the more I thought about it and interacted with people, I saw that I was only allowing myself to be stretched and overextended in ways that are somehow less than healthy. And I mean that on every level... Spiritually, mentally, relationally, physically, socially, emotionally, I just felt stretched and pulled apart. And there I was, trying to add yet another activity for next year...

Forgive me when religion's been my God,
And all that I do denies you are there...

It was this crazy cycle. See an activity, realize that I have a gift there, see what I need to do to get involved, get involved. It just didn't fail. I kept accruing all these activities, all these demands on my time. I kept seeing my God-given gifts as things that I had to use in some official position that had some definite time limit. Everything just kept buliding up, and my time to stop and realize certain things was quickly being thrown out the window.

But You're there...

Yes, God has given me many gifts. Yes, He has allowed me to be in a place where there are so many avenues for me to use those gifts. And yes, He wants me to use those gifts. But not at the expense of knowing Him...

Did I forget you were listening?

I was filling up His place with activities. That isn't to say that I'm still not - But at least now I am conscious of it. And, as the quickest way to progress, I'm trying to regress.

Could I deceive the one who's given me my heart?

I'm trying to be deliberate in how I spend my time. The people I hang out with, the activities I do. And because I'm starting to see that, not making RA for next year strangely doesn't bother me. Sure, I have questions about why certain people made it and I didn't, or what there was that kept me from making it. But more and more as I think about it I am trying not to ask those questions, and simply accept it. I have had two of my friends who did make it express shock that I didn't, and offer words of comfort and solace, and that has been enough.

And besides - I'm sure that Gabe et al. had their reasons. But above that, what if it is just that God didn't want me to be there? He is finally drawing a line and saying "no, that is not where I want your heart!. That is not what I want you to spend your time doing. You may have a gift in that area, but it is other gifts that you should be using." He's telling me, "You can't fool Me, I created you. You think you know what you want to do, but you don't. Only I know the way to satisfy the longings that your heart is experiencing. And no matter how I have to get you there, it will happen. Push, prod, pull, or pick you up and throw you into it, you'll make it there.
Trust Me, I know..."

But You're there...

Signs, Times, and Tears

2006-02-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure how I feel about this one. I wrote it Friday morning while I was in Lit. of the Western World and we were watching a video about C.S. Lewis that I'd already seen before. It's in a different format on the paper, and I may put that up at a later time, because I think that it looks cool that way, but I'm not sure that it would turn out the same in a blogger window.

I always feel weird about how a lot of my poetry tends to end up turning towards God. I mean, I guess that it's a good thing but every now and then I feel it's rather Deus Ex Machina and I only do it because I can't end it another way. This one fits without the third section, so I could have left it out, but I didn't feel right doing that. Oh well.

I think that I may start writing on here quite a bit more, and not only poetry. My Sociology class has shown / is showing me that for what I can do with words, I can't always get them out on the page. College says that this is a problem.

Enjoy.

It rained today,
And I don't know,
But that could be a sign;
Of what,
I'm sure that I can't see,
It's messing with my mind.

The weather
It is beautiful,
I'd love this all the time;
Love what,
I'm sure that I don't know,
It's messing with my mind.

A song I hear,
Of Adam's kind,
It makes me want to cry;
Hear him,
I'm sure that I can not,
It's messing with my mind.

The snow I'll see,
But can not yet,
Why that could be a sign;
Snow come,
I'm sure that I won't know,
It's messing with my mind.

That weather,
It was beautiful,
I loved it at the time;
Love still,
I'm sure that I may yet,
It's messing with my mind.

A song I hear,
The first time right,
And now I start to cry;
Weep now,
I'm sure that I might not,
It's messing with my mind.

My heart of love
Is givn' away,
This surely is the sign;
To whom,
I'm sure that I know now,
And He has made my mind.

My thoughts of love
Are not my own,
I start to see this time;
See now,
I'm sure in truth I do,
It starts to clear my mind.

My life of love,
I want to live,
For always will I cry;
For tears,
I'm sure that I do love,
For He has cleared my mind.

Selfishness

2006-01-30T14:38:00.000-08:00

I love how poetry is supposed to be deep and mysterious, but mine is just me complaining. I havn't read over this at all. It will probably make a lot of people mad at me. but hey, it's kind of supposed to. The ending and beginning lines nicely fit my state though. Have fun reading!

Yeah, right.

What am I to do?

The paths they lie before me,
As different as can be,
And what will happen,
When I choose,
I can not clearly see.

I thought I'd made the choice before,
I thought but didn't know,
And now my heart is burning fast,
It isn't flaming slow.

I just got told, the other day,
That burning out was bad;
That I should choose my path and fast,
Or I'd lose all I had.

Well I am losing it, and fast,
It's running all away;
I could grab it, keep it close,
And then it sure would stay.

But I'm not sure I want to,
I might not have the strength.
My patience lasted long it has,
But has it that much length?

Thank you for proving
That even though I couldn't
Manipulate your wording,
My understanding wasn't wrong.
I'd really be lost
If I thought that you meant
What it was you seemed to say.

He doesn't know,
She said,
He means so much to us.
She wasn't thinking of
Him at all,
Her wants were all
Her own.

The evidence it came today,
She called and he was there.
But as they talked it was quite clear,
She didn't know he cared.

He tried to show her that he did,
He tried the methods all,
But she was lost, and couldn't see,
And now her faith has fallen.

But have I chosen the wrong way,
In coming here to stay?
The choice it seemed,
Was simple then,
A break for me away from them.
But now I see,
It couldn't be,
They never really said,
That though they pushed me all to go,
They loved the sweat I bled.

In choosing something for myself,
I chose away from you.
I was told that that was good;
Did you lie, or speak it true?

Now what am I to do?

I'm updating... In my free time... Is something wrong?

2006-01-24T08:23:00.000-08:00

So, there is really no point to this post. Other than filling time because I'm bored.
So today I walked down the hill to my dorm after my class at 10, and had an e-mail from my voice professor. It informed me that I had studio class... at 11. So I walked all the way up the hill and across campus to the music building. I walk into the recital hall, and there is Mrs. Cox and five other girls that take voice from her. And they are talking about some creative exercise that they did last semester while I was in FYI (First Year Introduction, a huge waste of my time) and how they want to do it this semester. So they talk about it for maybe an entire minute, and then they decide that since half the class isn't there, they'll just do it next time. So we got to leave for the day.
So now, I am sitting in the campus center, filling you in on the pointless details of my Tuesday because I have been too busy over the last couple weeks to actually talk to you. Which makes me sad, there are a couple people that keep calling and missing me, and I just havn't had the time to ever call back. Once the weekend hits it should be better though. I was hoping to have last weekend to catch up with soe people, but I ended up having Carousel Day (a group interview/team building activity fo RA hopefuls), rehearsal for Koinonia (the weekly Sunday night worship service that I am on the leadership team for), Underworld: Evolution, which I went to see on Saturday night (and was sweet, by the way... minus a couple pretty raunchy (and needless) sex scenes). Then Sunday I went to church, lunch, worked on homework, went to Koin sound check, dinner, prayer before Koin, Koin, and then a training meeting for the missions trip to Russia that I'm going on.
Oh yeah... Over easter break I'll be going on a mission trip to Russia, I'm really excited. Not only is it a sweet chance to travel and go to Russia and just have an amzing experience, but the whole reason that we are going is to work at a children's orphanage and day camp, and then a youth leadership retreat - all stuff that I am passionate about and can't wait to do. Despite the langauge barrier :-)

Speaking of that, I have to take some pictures for my Visa application to the guy in charge of the trip. So, after this short post (that I had the free time to do, just consider that one!), I must bid a fond farewell to the two or three of you that will actually read this.

Dead Poet's Society

2005-12-31T12:26:00.000-08:00

To break a mother's heart is a terrible thing.
But then, how can a man truly break a mother's heart?
Could you?
Could I?

Two hearts to break;
To break a mother's heart,
A father's heart will die
If mother's heart should fail.
A mother's cry,
A father's tears,
Two sorrowed sounds,
Yet one torrential wail.

Many hearts exist,
And more are bound to break.
Could yours?
Could mine?

A mother's heart is bound to die,
A father's is as well -
The father is the one in sky,
The mother's not in hell;
The mother she is here on earth,
The father up above,
The mother gave the beauty birth,
The father gave him love.

And children to the one we are,
For all of us exist...

You know my words,
You think my thoughts,
You wish you saw my heart.
I see your face,
I hide my mind,
My meaning is from us apart.

I wonder as I wander

2005-11-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

This is something I have to do for my studio class for my voice lessons. I didn't really put a ton of thought into it, it has only been half an hour or so in the doing, but I like it anyways.

My name is Simeon. For all my long (long long) life have I waited for the coming of the Christ, the coming of the Messiah. It has been my fervent and daily prayer for as long as I can remember. Every day I have sought his coming, sought the time when it should be made known to me that my savior was now in the world.
I used to have such grand dreams. I used to think that a warrior, strong and mighty would come into the world on the white stallion of a conqueror, that my nation would be free once again. That the glory of Solomon’s kingdom would trifle in comparison. That Solomon’s temple would no longer be needed, because God would be with us on earth, the Messiah to save all Jews.
But I am now an old man. I have thought and waited, meditated and prayed for decades for the coming of the Messiah. The temple is more and more my home as the wants of my flesh become less and less as I approach my death. It has been my only desire for some time now that I would see the Messiah before I pass away from this life. For it was promised to me I should know of his coming, I should be among the first to know of his long-awaited arrival on earth. And though I have had great faith, and have waited long, in my age I began to despair.
But today it happened. The Christ came to the temple! I held him in my arms, as only a tiny baby. Nothing about this day was special. The heat wasn’t any less; the traffic through the temple kept coming through; the money-changers kept up their despicable practices. But I felt the Spirit today, and I went to the courts of the temple. I don’t like to be there usually, I prefer the quiet and solitude of other places that I have made my own. But the Spirit was strong, and so I went.
Heaven rejoice that I did! I may now pass in peace, every promise to me has been fulfilled, every longing of my heart given to me. I have seen the Messiah, held him in my arms. Now I walk through the peaceful gardens of Gethsemane, and I wonder.
The Christ didn’t come as a warrior or a king. Why should he not come in power, revealing his glory and strength? What is it about humans, so frail and weak as we are, that he should come as even the weakest of us? Why could he possibly want to grow as one of us, feel our pains, our sorrows, know our temptations and our struggles? This isn’t the vision of the Messiah that I had held onto for so long. He came in a stable they told me. There were sheep and cows there, and even pigs! He was surrounded by shepherds and commoners, a few wise men led by a star, but the power of humanity doesn’t even yet know that he is born! He could have come however he wanted, whenever he wanted. He could have come on that very star that the wise men followed. He could have come out of nature itself, heralded by the eagle’s wings that he will raise us onto. He could have come at the head of a vast army of angels, in sight of the entire world, proclaiming is infinite magnificence! He is the king of the whole world!
Yet he came as a babe. He came lowly people like you. He came for the wretched and broken people of this world. And something tells me that nothing about his life will be what we expect. Something tells me that he will be scorned and mocked and ridiculed for what he is. Maybe even killed, for this world will not understand him, recognize him, and they will never love him. But he is still here to save us all.
Why? Why should he come for us? It is something that I do not understand, and can not know. It is only one of those mysteries that God has not revealed to me, and maybe never will. But as I am here under the sky, and he is above the heavens, I can only wonder.

I wonder as I wander,
Out under the sky,
How Jesus the Savior
Did come for to die
For poor on’ry people
Like you and like I…
I wonder as I wander,
Out under the sky.

When Mary birthed Jesus,
‘Twas in a cow’s stall,
With wise men and farmers
And shepherds and all.
But high from God’s heaven
A star’s light did fall,
And the promise of ages
It then did recall.

If Jesus had wanted
For any wee thing,
A star in the sky,
Or a bird on the wing,
Or all of God’s angels
In heav’n for to sing,
He surely could have it,
‘Cause he was the King.

I wonder as I wander,
Out under the sky,
How Jesus the Savior
Did come for to die
For poor on’ry people
Like you and like I…
I wonder as I wander,
Out under the sky.

The only title this post needs is that I shouldn't be posting this

2005-10-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't be going by what I feel, I shouldn't have to use this to let it all out.

My days are increasing as numbers unfold,
And give way to new birth of month;
My pain it is growing,
And numb is my brain,
I love not the wisdom of old.

The sayings of wise and the thoughts of the gray,
They hold all the truth of the path;
The beatings of wardrums,
They deafen the joy,
That have not, I've been told I may.

I'm losing the sight of the threshhold above,
With every new rung that I climb;
I'm scared of the falling,
With my weakened heart,
And doubting that my path is love.

Lived this way I have for all my last four years,
And always been told I was wrong;
Lived then by my feelings,
And rarely by fact,
Now seeking the shelter of tears.

This shelter I've sought and had comfort before,
It never has failed me yet;
This is my shought pleasure,
It yet should not be,
For Others can comfort me more.

Checkmate

2005-09-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

"I'm king of the world!"
He screamed with a sigh,
As he wasted his life,
As it went flying by;

"I knew it would happen,
I fought it like hell."
Then all of it struck,
Like the gong of a bell.

"It came and destroyed,
The hope that I had"
And now he's left empty,
Abandoned and sad.

Someday he'll learn,
Someday he'll choose;
To play a new game,
Where he won't always lose.

College Life!

2005-09-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

So, I've heard that college students have a lot of free time to sleep and hang out.

Man, where is that college?

I'm back! It seems an age since I've made a significant post, but here it is. I've been BUSY BUSY BUSY!!! I'm the student government association freshman male chaplain. I tried out for the Shakespeare show. I am trying out in a couple days for the college show, The Mousetrap. I'm in men's choir. I'm in Camerata Singers, the select choir for freshman/sophomore music majors who aren't in (freshman can't be) the college choir. I'm taking private voice lessons. I have a job cleaning in my dorm, an hour a day. I'm playing JV soccer. I'm working at the church Wednesday nights with little kids. I have Bible study Thursday nights... twice. Oh yeah! I also have 18 hours worth of classes...

It's been great though. I'm glad that I can be so involved and doing so many of the things that I love to be doing all at the same time. Even just singing every day again is wonderful.

Not to mention the spiritual side of things. I miss my old church, to be honest. But chapel three times a week is a help, believe it or not. And then worship every Sunday nights is awesome! No, it can't ever take the place of POINT, but it helps. I have grown a lot just in having time to pray and worship more than normal, it has been great.

Classes though are kind of a drag. Biblical Lit is pretty good, but CP... I know most of it. Same with Western Civ. Last class we talked about Homer and the Iliad... Needless to say, I was totally lost the entire time.
Intro to Psych... Well, I've had multiple people tell me to drop it and take it with a different teacher that I'll enjoy learning it with. I'm tempted.
Greek has been easy so far because it's similar to Latin in the beginning, the ideas behind it. It'll pick up soon I'm sure, but it's language and I like it :)
Then Principles of Sociology. 25% of your grade is based on participation... Sound familiar? The teacher is really good and really energetic and I've really enjoyed it and have already learned a lot.
And then First Year Introduction. That's about all I'll say for that.

So quick recap - I'm busy. A lot. A lot.
But I like it that way :)

Well I have to get up for a game that we leave for at 9. I'm superexcited about that, let me tell you!

I havn't written anything since I got here. That saddens me greatly. So you get Shakespeare instead.

Sonnet 12
When I do count the clock that tells the time,
Or see the brave day sunk in hideous night;
When I behold the violet past prime,
Or sable curls all silvered o'er in white;
When lofty trees I see barren of leaves,
Which erst from heat did canopy the herd;
Or summer's green all girded up in sheaves,
Borne on the bier with white and bristly beard;
Then of Thy beauty do I question make,
That thou among the wastes of Time must go,
Since sweets and beauty do themselves forsake,
And die as fast they see others grow.
And nothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defense,
Save breed to brave him when he takes thee hence.

SLOW am I

2005-09-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

I am so horribly behind in the world. It makes me feel bad that I havn't been involved. But I'm off to watch Kung-Pow (I must convince myself that I can do what he can do!). I'll post something deep and poetic later. I think. Maybe.

I am a flower quickly fading...

One Precursor to Departure; There Will Be Many

2005-08-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm such a jumbled ugly mess of emotion,
I don't even know where to start.
Let me put it to you this way:
I'm listening to Christmas music.
I am so not in the mood for anything fast,
Or upbeat, lively, or rockin.
But anything else threatens to send me into tears.

I guess you could say I'm not like other guys.

I'm excited to be leaving;
At least I don't want to be here anymore.
Don't get my wrong, my friends,
I love each and every one of you,
The thought of leaving you behind
Is like a thousand knives;
Or, as I've been told,
They can't cause that much pain.
No, it's just that I'm ready for a change,
I'm ready to be in a new setting,
Surrounded by new things that I'm not used to yet.

But how can I live without my home?
Is home where the heart is?
Because right now, that is neither here, nor there,
And I'd say nor anywhere but I know where it is,
I think,
Even though it could be misplaced;
Yet I suspect it isn't.

And how can I survive without everything that I know?
I'll learn new things, new people, new places,
But I'll still want to walk off the stage one last time,
And sit in the third row on the audience left,
Right on the end.

The song says "Who I am
Hates who I've been."
I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today,
Because I knew you.
And I don't know who I am,
And so I can't know if I really do
Hate who I've been.
But I suspect that who I am -
Though it's not what I thought it would be -
Is who I want to be.

It's a long and difficult road that I've traveled,
And I'm willing to bet that
If I knew everything that happened in advance,
I wouldn't change too much.
But this road has taught me many things,
Including pain and suffering -
Though of course there's ecstasy as well -
Laughter, tears, hugs and puzzles,
And most importantly love.
Now I have to learn hope, and patience,
Waiting and dreaming,
Wanting something for myself,
I've never done that before.

You all have rocked my world,
You all have been my life;
You all have made it hard, or easy,
Or just caused lots of strife.
But I can say to all of you,
And look you in the eye,
That without you I'd be nothing,
And so much more a guy (that's bad, for me).

But to you I just must say,
B I K Y, I H B C

For Good.

some words of the Father's breaking heart

2005-08-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

I Miss My Time With You
by Larnelle Harris

"there he was just waiting,
in our old familiar place
an empty spot beside him,
where once i used to wait
to be filled with strength and wisdom
for the battles of the day
i would have passed him by again
if i didn't hear him say

(chorus)

i miss my time with you
those moments together
i need to be with you each day
and it hurt's me when you say
you're too busy
busy trying to serve me
but how can you serve me
when your spirit's empty
there's a longing in my heart
wanting more than just a part of you
it's true
i miss my time with you

what do i have to offer
how can i truly care
my efforts have no meaning
when your presence isn,t there
but you will provide the power
if i take time to pray
i'll stay right here beside him
and you will never have to say..

(chorus)"

Savior's Broken Heart
~Foolish Things

Have you heard of a man
Walked the face of the earth
To complete a plan.
Made the blind man to see
And the earth fall to hush
As He walked on the sea.

Did you know
He would die
For your broken heart?

Can you see in his eyes
As he captures the pain
Of a million cries?
Can you hear his voice,
Saying I love you?
Saying I love you?

And we all know, down inside,
The truth of His love,
But we still try to hide.
We all know we become
But we reject all we are,
And all we are from.

Can you feel his love,
Stretching his arms out?

Can you see in His eye
As he captures the pain
Of a million cries?
Can you hear his voice,
Saying I love you
Saying I love you?

Can you turn your heart away
As he weeps?
Can you say "I can't take the gift
that You hold where You stand"?

Give the truth a chance,
The chance you need to take?

Can you break His heart?

My Brother; My Captain; My King

2005-08-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

"I would have followed you to the end. My brother; my captain; my king."

Where is that kind of loyalty and devotion today? Where is the passion that inspires a man to proclaim eternal sacrifice of his own hopes and wishes to another man? Whatever happened to "Give me liberty or give me death" and doing all for God and country?

I look around at today's culture and I wish that it was more like Lord of the Rings (which I shamefully stole that quote from). Boromir was a great man in his own right. He was a mighty warrior, strong and capable of holding more than his own; just think of the time it took him to die! Was such a fate given to him, he would have ruled Gondor well, strong and sure. He would have followed well the example of his fathers, keeping the forces of Mordor at bay (at least as long as Sauron wasn't regaining power). The people would have followed him as a king, though such a title was never to be his.

But fate didn't give him that chance. The kingdom of Gondor was bound to follow another. Though they knew him not, they would not despise him but embrace him.

Boromir knew this. And he knew that by rights was the throne of Gondor destined for another. He tried to deny it at first, for "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." But as time passed a change happened in Boromir. Despite his failings where the one ring was concerned, when it came to the future of his country his heart was in the right place.

That place lied with his king. And though it meant far less glory for himself, he was willing to follow that king to whatever end. Even to the end. Even to his death, though surely in the face of the impending doom on mankind that death would not be a kind one.

So I ask again: Where is that kind of loyalty and devotion today? Why are we so complacent and so content with so little? Why don't we strive after the kind of epic life that comes when you devote your life to something greater than yourself, when you devote your life to a king?

I understand that America has no king. But for decades we have been letting those stewards of power slowly and surely take it away from us and hoard it to themselves. That's the reason that our country has sunk into the depths that allow millions of unborn children to die; the same depths that are on the brink of allowing the detestable (and disgusting) practice of same-sex marriage to become legal, even accepted.
What can we do practically about this, on the national scale? I sure don't know.

But what can we do in our own lives to make sure that we don't sink into those depths, or even the shallows that lead to those depths?

We can devote ourselves to someone greater than ourselves. To a king. We can run after the heart of God and never stop running. It's when we stop running and look around us at what's out there that we stumble and fall, and where are we then? We have become the world around us, not the salt and light of the earth. That's no way for a person to live. Why do we accept that mediocrity? There is so much in store for us - both on this earth and after we leave it - that we can only gain by rejecting that complacency and chasing after God's plan for our lives.

For my part, I don't ever want to stop running. I want to see the plan God has for my life. I want the fulfillment of all my desires to be found in Him and in His ways. I want the God-shaped hole in me to be filled. I want the difficult life that is so often left untried.

"Have we believed the fiction
Authored by the world's depiction?
Let's not forget the story,
We're living for His glory now."

~Foolish Things

Mano e mono

2005-08-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

Nope. You sure didn't read that post title wrong. It's all about a man and his mono.

And let me tell you, it sure does suck. You don't have any energy to begin with. And, if by chance your sleep and diet all line up super well and you do gain a tiny little ounce of energy to do something with, you can't use it. You are allowed no 'contact' activity. You are allowed no strenuous activity. And you are allowed to do no heavy lifting.

What 'contact' activity means is that you can't do anything that could cause anyone to run into you. So for me, no soccer... Which is about the worst thing ever. Why is it such a worry that someone will run into you? Because, if they hit you hard enough you are at risk of rupturing your spleen. For some reason, this is thought to be bad...

Basically what the rest of it means is you can do nothing that requires you to breathe. And if you think I'm joking... If I forget and run up the stairs too quickly, I get short-of-breath and tired and feel generally like crap. Well, generally I feel like crap anyways, so that's not saying a lot.

If you want further proof of how this is totally debilitating to me, think about this. I generally go to bed at 11 now. This in itself should have prompted you to fall backwards out of your house. Not just your chair, your house. But, if for some reason it didn't, here's the rest of the great news. After going to sleep early, I don't get out of bed until about 11. Or 12. Then, I proceed to get online or just lay around my house for a while.

At the end of this 'while', I try to go to bed again. At least I like to. This while usually ends about 3, but has been known to last until 4. My nap usually takes me until 6, when I get up for dinner.
And what do I do while I'm eating, and until I work up the strength to return to my computer? I watch tv. So if you weren't already in a catatonic shock, you should be now. Lots and lots of sleep, and I'm watching tv. Something is horribly wrong.

So, if none of you respond to this post because you are sure that someone has taken me over and I'm no longer really Shane, I'll understand. In the future, I will really be me and you can feel free to treat this blog as you normally would. Hopefully, by the 10th (my date to go back in to see the doctor) I will be back to my normal self.

I really, really really hope that.

Really.

I'm in CO

2005-07-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm in Colorado right now. Be jealous.

Really, though, I'm only online because we hiked in the Rocky Mountain National Park for like 5 hours and the rest of my family is all tired out. They are now all sleeping or watching television. Since neither of these activities interest me much, and since I am done with Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, I decided to come get on the computer.

I blogged. In Colorado. Aren't you all proud of me?

Who Can Compare?

You drew the lines of where
The sea would meet the shore,
The sky would meet the floor,
Who can compare?

You tell the sun just when
To pass the time to night,
And when to come back bright,
Who can compare?

Needer of nothing the Giver of all,
Every living thing survives
By the strength Your boundless love supplies!
Lord of power beyond compare,
The universe sits in Your hand,
And eternity is where You stand!

- Foolish Things

Of course! Everyone go to FoolishThings.com and buy all their cd's!

ATTN:

2005-07-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

ATTN:

I will be gone for the next like two weeks at camp (FT!) and family vacation. You have been warned. Please don't send me hate mail (you know who you are!)

But really, my summer has been not what I expected at all. I have been busy at fireworks stands and weddings and church... OK, one of those shouldn't be a surprise but the others were crazy; I'm so glad I don't have another wedding this summer. Anyways, I have to leave for camp in like 6 hours and I'm running on like 5 hours of sleep. I'd like to not repeat my mistake last year of not sleeping more than an hour before the first day of camp... So I leave you with my fondest wishes.

And another plea for no hate mail!

Chapped lips, chap stick, and things like chemistry (where opposites attract)

2005-06-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

So both of the last two nights I've hung out with a bunch of guys. Now don't get me wrong, I had an absolute blast both nights. Poker, Super Smash Brothers (the real one, for 64, not the crap that they tried to make for Gamecube), pizza, pizza rolls, doughnuts, cheese puffs. Adam Sandler and Josh Hartnett... wait, why does that last one make me think more of a girls night?

Girls night... somehow I usually end up in more of those than I do in guys nights. Explain anything to anyone?

Honestly though, either one is a lot of fun. One tends to have a lot more talking, the other a lot more pointless video game violence. One has conversations you never want to be a part of, one has conversations you never should be a part of. In one, you watch a movie and cry at the end; in the other, you watch the same movie and make fun of the sappiness of the moment. In one, you go out and tp and the people who live there wonder why someone threw a couple rolls of toilet paper in your front yard; in the other, you go out and tp and the people who live there don't talk to you for a month; at least, once they've figured out that it's tp and no, it really didn't snow last night...

Oh well. I mean, that's what attracts us to each other right? The things we don't understand about each other? The things that we hate about each other? Go figure how that one works... It's the opposites that we all end up talking about at our respective nights as well...

Here's to the Journey

2005-06-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between playing at soccer and licking the ice cream bowl,
I forgot who I was supposed to be.
I don't know why it happened, and I couldn't point to any one time,
But I sure know that it's happened.
I know that I'm a long ways down the path,
And that the quickest way to progress is to regress;
As much sense as that makes.

I went a long way from what I was in the beginning,
More than I ever could have imagined.
So much more than I wanted to, more than
Obligation demanded,
Respect required, and certainly more than
Running backwards for the next short while can fix.
You know what I mean.

Somewhere between licking the ice cream bowl and cleaning the bathtub,
I remembered who I'm supposed to be.
I'm excited, scared, worried, nervous, apalled, confused.
And I don't know if it's possible to right the wrongs and lefts,
To fix all the things I messed up,
To mend all the things that I broke,
Or to replace the things that I've ruined.
But I intend to find out,
And to try.

I went a long way from what I was in the beginning,
More than I ever could have imagined.
So much more than I wanted to, more than
Obligation demanded,
Respect required, and certainly more than
Running backwards for the next short while can fix.
You know what I mean.

Here's to the journey, here's to the strife,
Here's to the trials and hardships of life.
I never should ask, after all that I've done,
If you'll step alongside me, continue this run;
But here is my offer, imperfect and flawed,
Will you accept, or just stand slack-jawed?

LessNess-ism: Leaderlessness

2005-05-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

I sure can't take credit for this post, but I've had parts of these speeces wandering through my head for the last couple weeks and wanted to get them out there.

"People want leadership Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage and when they discover there's no water they'll drink the sand."

"People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference."

All that said, go watch The American President.
Combine that with I, Robot and you've got yourself a whole bunch of ideas about social theory.
"Why is it that robots, when abandoned, will stand together instead or remaining alone?"

People are social creatures, thank you Great Ideas, Wisdom Literature, and who knows how many other Cair Paravel classes. And this leads us to the ideas taken from the movies above.

Henry David Thoreau (I think) valued the eccentric more than any other person in society. The person who found his cause, his principle to live by, his way of doing things, and didn't sacrifice that for anything. He was even willing to go to jail to prove how committed to that ideal that he was.

But eccentricity isn't something that people want. They don't want to stand above the crowd and point in the opposite direction and scream at the top of their lungs for a change, a reformation. They want to live comfortably within the safety of their own homes and communities and churches, never bothering to effect the society that they so often hate. They are scared to stand alone.

That's where leadership comes from. It's one person willing to take a risk, willing to have the courage to speak out for what he believes and hope blindly that some small part of the ignorant masses will follow him. And if they don't, he disappears. But if they do...

This leads us to another interesting point... The sudden change from fad to fad, leader to leader. People aren't strong enough to stick to one opinion in the face of opposition. As soon as that leader comes under fire, they go and seek a new leader out, one who has some other opinion that they can share, because they don't have enough strength to stand for what they believe unless they are led.

And for now, I'm done with this topic, even at the risk of sounding pessimistic and like I have a horrible view of mankind. But I'm being told that I must leave my computer, so I shall.

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
~Frost

LessNess-ism: Colorlessness

2005-05-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

Do You ever wonder what life would be like without color? And is it really ironic that the most unique thing about my blog is the color that I use?

Ok, think about the last black and white movie you watched. No shades, no hues, just simple shades of black and white.
Now, imagine yourself living in that world.

Think about how different that would make life. Simple things like depth perception would be drastically different. Other things like lightning storms wouldn't be near as grand. And even the variety in the clothes (or uniforms) that we all wear everyday would all but disappear.
But on the other side, what would we notice that we hadn't before? How much more would our eyes pick up on form and design instead of worrying about garish colors? Wouldn't it be interesting, all the things you'd notice if you weren't constantly just looking at something to see it's color?
I don't know where this came from, but then, I felt like blogging something and some things just shouldn't be blogged about, so this is what you get instead :)

"But God I'm needing,
So hear me when I say
Come, oh come, come and have your way."
"Needing" by Foolish Things

In honor of Nathan

2005-05-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

Props to Nathan Eilert for showing me the value of a nap.

So the last two weeks of my career at CP-LS have sucked/are sucking/will suck. Calc, Ancient Lit, Great Ideas, English, Music History, Chem... What was I thining when I signed up for my classes? My week has consisted of getting up, going to school, coming home and working on homework (time that could be shortened if I'd do it without being on IM...). But that's like been my whole week.

Well yesterday I went out and kicked a soccerball around because I needed to vent some stress before I started my homework. Since it was like 90 degrees, I basically dehydrated myself in 44 minutes even though over the course of the night I drank 4 water bottles, plus whatever I had with dinner.

So today I was still a little dehydrated and totally lacking any energy from about 1:20 on. I got home and didn't want to start my homework yet (and thankfully didn't have to, all I had was Chem and all I have is a GI outline). So I grab my book (The Dragon Reborn, yes I read fantasy!) and read on my front porch and eat a piece of apple pie. Well I came in after a couple chapters and went up to my bed and fell asleep.

The next thing I know my mom is calling and telling me to start dinner. So I go down and start the water and return to my nap...

All told I got a solid 90 minutes of sleep. I woke up, ate dinner, and went to church and now it's 10:15 and I'm not even tired yet.

What was I thinking, all those years, only sleeping at night? I'm totally refreshed and ready to tackle some Great Ideas, and then a whole new day tomorrow!

Haha, yeah right...

2005-05-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

I realized that I'd be better off doing this as soon as possible, especially since I probably won't blog again until like after my first day of finals, because seriously folks, like I'll have time. Anyways, for anyone that wants to and for those of you that had sure as heck better come, my graduation reception (which is also Niki's) is at my church (Fairlawn Heights Wesleyan Church) this Friday from 7-9. Ok, back to Ceasar....

It's way to early

2005-04-24T04:27:00.000-07:00

So it's 625 and I'm just like getting home and finishing packing, and no one else in my house is awake.. It's rather entertaining actually, because I am completely dressed and ready to go to church in an hour and a half and play in two church services before I get on the bus to go to NYC. Man, what a great time that is going to be... Hanging out with some of my favorite people ever, away from all the stress of Topeka... well, some of it at least. At least I won't be running around at 500 mph and not sleeping or eating like I do here... oh wait.

Well it's not like any of this is unusual for me. I talked to a ref friend of mine tonight at T-West prom (which was awesome) and he signed me up for Gov Cup... On my next prom weekend and a wedding weekend after that... Why do I do this to myself? My only consolation it seems is that there is little less than a month less of school, and I can catch up by sleeping for all of the next week after that until I play in the next wedding.

I don't know what else to say, and am beginning to feel that this is a wasted post, so I'll end with part of a Foolish Things song, just because I like it.

"If these walls could talk,
Would they show how strong's my walk?
If these walls could sing,
Would they make heaven ring?

And I wanna fly away,
And I wanna see You in a new way."

I'm so ready to fly away from all of this, yet at the same time can't imagine my life any other way. Aah, high school :D

2005-04-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

A simple reminder that I am nothing

Pensee

2005-04-20T23:15:00.000-07:00

"Yet it is good to be weary and frustrated with the fruitless search for the good, so that one can reach out one’s arms instead to the Redeemer."

Pascal, Pensee #130

So true. But in the depths of despair, how many people will turn first to their Redeemer? I far more often see people turning to all the wrong things when they know better, when they know that there is only one way for anything to get better. But do they do it? No.

And it saddens me so much because I always hear the excuse that they couldn't go to the Redeemer right now because they would feel to guilty, or wrong, or like they were using Him. To which I would point them to C.S. Lewis' idea of the Redeemer's Divine Humility.

Either that, or just tell them that they are stupid, the Redeemer doesn' work like that and He says "Come to me just as you are. Come hurt, used, tired, abused, bruised and broken. Come to my arms, enter my rest, and know the blessings that I have for you."

So much simpler that way.

2005-04-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

I felt like posting a picture, so here is some of the Redeemer's beauty.

Rough

2005-04-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

What exactly you've accomplished,
Heaven knows but I sure don't.
I'd like to say that you were perfect,
But since you aren't, I surely won't.
They all know that you care and that you only want the best,
And hidden deep deep down they know that you are right;
But right's not always most correct,
And pointing all this out will only make them fight.

The Glorious Pink hair

2005-04-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm a sucker for little kids... most of the time. So when my children's pastor comes to me and asks if I want to lead the boys team for the Kid's Krusade, I'm like sure, that'd be awesome! So we start talking about team colors and decorations and what I need to do and the big competition that's a part of it and it's all guys vs. girls etc...

So we are trying to figure out what should happen to the losing team leader. She totally wants to dye my hair, but obviously since she is a pastor we can't really do that to her...

Well, it ended up really not mattering. ON average, there were maybe 15 guys there per night, and 40 girls. So when the competition categories are which team has the most kids, which team has the most Bibles, which team brings the most for offering, and which team is the loudest, I'm fighting a losing battle.

So at the end of the week when the girls beat us something like a billion to nine, she dyes my hair neon pink in the fellowship hall in front of all the kids and most of their parents, and thus the pink hair was born.

Man I miss that, even if most of my friends thought it was CRAZY and most everyone else that saw it just thought I was gay. But I liked it, and that's all that matters right? :D

And, if you didn't notice, I learned some html and got my pink font back, yay!

2005-04-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

This is me back when I had the awesome hair!

LessNess-ism: Worthlessness

2005-04-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

So I shamefully stole (with every intention to ask for permission) the idea of lessness-ism (it might be longer than that, but that's the gist of it) from an exiled teacher that I really liked when he still roamed around CP. But I realized that there are many ness or less or nessless or lessness words that I could write on, so I figured I could make it a recurring theme for a while... At least as often as I post.

I don't really feel like going in depth on this right now, and really am only posting because of my severe guilt for not having done so in some time; so I'll simply leave you with this song about what a person is worth.

And now I'm really upset because I have to type the lyrics out because foolishthings.com doesn't have the lyrics link anymore... GRR. But you should still all go there anywhere, and especially note that they are having a free concert May 7th in KC.

"Can't Believe"

I know by the way, that you watch me
Wishing I'd been someone else
Stuck here with me, I know I'll never be
Like the people on magazine shelves.

And I don't know where we forgot
We're all worth enough to be bought
With a life.

And I still can't believe
That the same voice that spoke all the stars into space
Says He loves me, and He made me,
Nothing less than what I'm meant to be.
The things I believe, have been misconceived,
By this heart that can't understand love;
Help me to see what You see in me.

I felt in your touch that you loved me,
But I'm drowning in all the world's lies.
The way that I see is untrue to me,
So this human heart's asking me
So in Human eyes...

And I still can't believe
That the same voice that spoke all the stars into space
Says He loves me, and He made me,
Nothing less than what I'm meant to be.
The things I believe, have been misconceived,
By this heart that can't understand love;
Help me to see what You see in me.

And I don't know where we forgot
We're all worth enough to be bought
With a life.

-Foolish Things

Pretty powerful stuff, especially with the music. If you are interested in hearing it, lemme know and I'll bring you the cd sometime :)

Ah, the crap which MAACS inspires us to write: poetry

2005-03-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

Crime

The dragnet of snitches wants a voiceprint,
But only so the handcuffed highwayman caught
Shoplifting, skyjacking, safecracking,
(The swindler) wouldn't pickpocket them.
They blackmail the bondsman-mobster-gangster,
Slander the prowler,
And return to their robbery.

The troublemakers and bootleggers were staking out the prison,
The smuggler suspended the bounty on the detective,
The murderer did his thing to the arsonist,
But they still got off probation to testify.

The banditry - insanity! - of the eyewitness being,
An infraction, earned a detention from piracy,
And the evidence of the warden was discovered a fraud.

The swindler was caught by entrapment,
His confinement earned by abduction,
The deposition of his custody left to the stockade;
But still his correctional detainer saw him sentenced.

The defendant is now reformatory,
And he assaults his transgressions,
Even though vandalism summons.
His treason to mutiny is a felony,
At least to his fellow culprits.
Still, He brought in the last arrestee,
A hoodlum they're lynching for forgery;
He has no hope for parole.

Sometime this week I plan to rant about MAACS, but I don't know when that will be.

And as to this particular poem, it wasn't written for MAACS competition like the other pieces were. I got the idea to write this when I was studying for the MAACS spelling test - most of these words are the beginner ones from the Paidea spelling book. So not thoroughly MAACS inspired, but with three days left, who cares?

Ah, the crap which MAACS inspires us to write: prose

2005-03-13T22:11:00.000-08:00

A Natural Leader

What makes a leader? Every man gives allegiance to someone else, follows the path set by another. what is it in a leader that compels others to trail after them? A study of the famous Harry Potter will show what leaders are, and why people follow them.

The thing that stands out the most about a leader is the people that follow him. No leader can choose his entire following; but he can choose who he surrounds himself with. Harry POtter makes wise decisions about this from the start. Left alone by his guardians, he stays alone until Ron Weasley befriends him on the Hogwarts train. When he arrives, he is confronted by the words of a conceited Draco Malfoy. "You don't want to get caught making friends with the wrong sort Potter. I can help you there."

Harry has a choice to make. Ally himself with the know-it-all picture of arrogance, or stick by the one person whome he knows: Ron, an obviously poor and humble (but authentic) friend. Harry, without taking the time to weigh the multiple long-term futures his choice has, rejects Malfoy's hand and remains with Ron.

This lays the ground for one of the most important traits in a leader's relationship with his followers: loyalty. A good leader gets recognized because of the fierce loyalty of his followers. But it must go both ways; a leader must also be loyal to his followers.

One of the most climactic scenes in Harry's life is his adventure in the Department of Mysteries. He and his followers are confronted by several powerful Death Eaters. As they split up to excape, Harry's personal group falls to three. One of them is attacked by surprise, and falls. the other Death Eaters rush to the scene, and Harry's situation seems hopeless. He can flee and leave his friend, or he can stay and fight for her. HIs loyalty to his followers leaves him no alternative, and he stands by her body until help arrives.

This ties into trust, Harry's last leadership characteristic. He was lured to the Department of Mysteries only because his enemies trusted that he would react in a certain way. He was able to make it to the Department of Mysteries only because he had a trust with his followers to help him. And his followers only went with him because they trusted his ability to lead them through it all.

Leaders can be defined by many more characteristics and traits than these. But if a man surrounds himself with the wrong sort, if he is unloyal, and if he has no trust or if no one trusts him, then he can not be a leader.

As I type this, I notice many many errors and things that could have been much better; but being as how I'm showing crap written for MAACS, you get to read exactly what the judges will read :)

Ah, the crap which MAACS inspires us to write: poetry

2005-03-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

I once knew two children who both loved the Lord
Who sought Him with all of their soul-
Two children whose faith did not ever grow bored,
With spirits that ever were bold.

These children put even their parents to shame,
As close as they walked with their God;
Two children whose lives and whose hearts gave them fame,
And earned them a heavenly nod.

The children I knew grew through learning and strife
They always kept seeking their Lord-
At that time I would have thought both of them angels;
But now I fear one of them's bored.

He walks and he talks and he acts like the first,
He goes to his church, and he 'worships' his Lord.
He knows all the answers, he knows all the facts,
He knows what to do to get fame and applause.
But inside he's rotten, his Bible will tell,
It's never been read, not one page;
This teen who in childhood battled with Hell,
Has fallen from God as he's aged.

The first though, is vibrant, and honest, and real,
His passionate deeds are a light to all men.
He's given his life to his Father above,
He's sold out, committed, and true to the end.
Just look at his Bible, the light for his feet,
It's marked up and worn down with care.
His life has become just as Godly, some feat!
As the second burned out like a flare.

I once knew two children who both loved the Lord,
I boasted of them through the land;
Just look at them now, one so vibrant, on bored-
But both with their Bibles in hand.

Blog, or Online Diary?

2005-02-24T16:20:00.000-08:00

So even though I'm feeling thoroughly uncreative and don't want to post, I figure that I might as well since I'm going to be gone all weekend. And yes, it is going to be wonderful, thank you very much.

Does anyone notice how closely some parts of these so called 'blogs' resemble nothing more than an online diary? But perhaps I am simply new to the blog world and uneducated. To me, blog meant (once upon a time) a place where views and commentary on society, culture and politics were to be found and enjoyed and shared and discussed. What I have come across here however, seems to be more the venting and frustration and chronicling of every day life.

Not that I'm complaining, I've been greatly entertained by what I've read here. And I suppose that I overgeneralize to say that most people simply vent. But these blogs out there, and the question won't leave me alone.

Well I must leave for my wonderful weekend.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Name, Name, What's in a Name?

2005-02-21T22:57:00.000-08:00

Do you realize the power of a name?

It strikes me as I'm talking to the person in my school that I most respect. He and I don't always get along, and don't exactly have a good Christian love for each other, but we talk from time to time. And as he left (he sleeps... who does that?), he simply said "goodnight shane".

And for some reason, I was touched.

But it makes sense when you stop to think about it. If a parent is especially pleased with a child, they will use their child's name to praise them, not simply "I'm proud of you". If unusually upset, they will use the first and middle names; and you can't tell me you don't know what that means. If you meet someone, and you ask them who they are, they respond with their name. At the beginning of the world, when God created man, one of the first things he did was to give that man a name.

A name (though it maybe shouldn't be) is an identity. Honor and respect or contempt and derision and be communicated all in the way a person uses a name. Something so simple as a name can have more ramifications on our lives than we usually stop to think about.

So I would challenge you to tomorrow directly address all your friends, your siblings, your peers, and use their name as something to try to lift them up with. See what happens.

Oh, the Drama

2005-02-19T17:30:00.000-08:00

No one should take offense to this post, although only a few would.

I wish I had the strength of the will to decide that emotions aren't worth the effort. After all, doesn't someone always get hurt? I mean they tell you to always hope, but does anyone always get what they hope for? And they tell you to love others, but doesn't someone always kick that love back in your face?

I'm especially intrigued by how someone else getting hurt can hurt you. For instance, just this week the parts for our spring drama - The Merchant Of Venice - were posted (providing us all with quite a lot of drama). I myself was thoroughly shocked at what happened. You have three senior guys who all try out, one who is perfect at sadistic and evil, one who is our school's ultimate loverboy, and one who would have fit Antonio perfectly. Somehow, only one got the part that fits him (loverboy). It didn't make any sense to me. I looked at the cast list starting at the bottom, expecting to see my name by one of the lesser parts that I had asked for and the three main parts gone to the other seniors.

But then someone points my name out and I am the one who stole the part and screwed up the trio. And I just sit there, excited. But, I'm unable to share it with anyone, because I'm the person least deserving and least expected to fill that role.

I think though, that the way things turned out are ironic and fitting for my senior year. It's going to be the easiest acting ever for Shylock to want to cut out my heart, and this by his own admission. And it's ironic that (in my opinion) two lesser actors play lead roles while my favorite actor (especially evil actor) since eighth grade doesn't. Just the way that two inferior minds will play greater parts in graduation (we think) over the greatest mind.

But I think that the other way of casting the show would have worked out better. I wanted to be one of the little sidekicks to the trio. That leaves the trio each perfectly cast for a part that fits them beautifully. And that leaves me on the outside of their little group, wanting in but unable to ever make it there. But, such is not to be.

But, as it's gray and dreary outside and the rest of you are wanting to get out and enjoy the beauty of it as much as I am (No really, I'm going for a run because days like today are officailly the best ever), I'll finish this post (that I'm sure will make many people mad at me should anyone ever come across it and read it) with a couple shout-outs. To the other two leads, the only two people to tell me congratulations - Thank you. To the third senior - I didn't ask for it to be this way, I didn't try out for that part, and I apologize for having upset you so.

I'm sure that this post will come to be edited or even deleted, so enjoy it while it lasts; and if you happen to want to say anything to me at all, even if you intend by it to offend me, please do.

Perfect Individuality

2005-02-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

Many people would scold me for using this font color. I push my nose up with my thumb and stick my tongue out at them. Seriously, why is it that we stress so much how individual a person should be, but when a person dares to be individual, we scorn him? I like pink, so what? That has no effect on my character. Why should you put me down for it?

But maybe the real issue isn't pink at all. Maybe it's that individuality is something we all want, but being unable to find it, suppress it in others. Because of our own faults, we stuff the aspirations of others to rise above their faults back down their throats.

I'm reminded of Plato's perfect man. He was a true individual, loved by everyone, for a time. And as time passed, the people grew tired of his ceaseless perfection. And they began to hate him for it. And, finally, they killed him. Maybe I'm just blatantly plagarising my Great Ideas (philosophy) class, but that sounds way too much like some actual historical individual that I've heard of somewhere before. But, being as how I fear the faceless masses, I will simply say that if you know who I'm talking about, and you know Him, good. If you reject Him, seek His true identity with your whole heart, and see if you can still reject Him. And if you don't have any idea who I'm talking about, ask.

I'll end with a quote from a song about this perfect man from my favorite band ever.

"Can you see in His eyes
As He captures the pain of a million cries;
Can you hear his voice,
Saying I love you - Saying I love you?"